sunflower daisy.

2012-02-15T23:56:00.001+08:00

it hurts, it hurts knowing that the one person that you think about all the time is ignoring you. it hurts to know that i have never done him wrong and will never do him wrong. i want what's best for myself but it gets to me sometimes. i know i should have moved on one year ago because there were no hopes between us but i still held on thinking that something might happen.

you're married now. you're fucking married now. it's so much easier for you to get over me because you have a wife. we have never done anything wrong, but it's that emotional feeling or attachment that i have towards you that makes it so much difficult for me to move on.

I must move on, and i must let you go.

there..

2012-01-28T09:39:00.000+08:00

Three months had passed and not a single day went by without having you in my mind.

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that I got a message from you. I never thought I would but I did. Indeed, you had no idea how crazy it was for me and you finally realized what it was like for me throughout the year.

You came and you left. That was what you did best. You finally admitted that you were looking for a quick fix also known as that hole you were filling up and you knew I will never be that. I would have given in to your desires and feelings but it will only hurt me more.

You made a huge difference in my life and that is something I have to fix myself. I still need more time to figure out myself and I know that time will never be enough for now.

Meet me, one last time and we'll look into our eyes and say our final words.

penning it down.

2011-10-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I wrote something in here. I have been procrastinating lately. To write, or not to write. To remember or not to remember. That's the biggest challenge.

He came back into my life, but this time he's no longer the single-not married person I once knew which makes it tougher for me to say some things to him. He says the nicest things you'd wanna hear and every word he said meant a little more to me.

Back then, some time in February, he wanted me to be ready for him. I know I'll never be ready for him because somewhat, I knew I was just the missing hole he was trying to fill.I knew that no matter what I wanted him to do for me then, I'd never get the guts to see him.

June came, and we met for the first time. He took the trouble to drive all the way up to my place, see me for a good 5 minutes and he was gone again. That was the first time we shook hands and looked into each other's eyes.

July and August came and went and here's to September. I never knew what his status was and I didn't think he'd be married so soon. We talked everyday for the next 3 weeks and it has been crazy. He felt bad forgetting where I live though I secretly hoped that he'd remember.

We met once again. He took me home and that was the best 30 minutes of my life. I was sighing a couple of times and I'm sure he knew what I meant when I did that. I wanted it to last longer. So badly.

It went on and on everyday. The daily dose of his morning messages, afternoon messages and even bed time messages. It felt good. Those were the times I missed the most. We could talk about anything and everything. He wanted more, I wanted it too but it cannot happen.

" so you want me to get a divorce and marry you? "

Yes, can you do that? Will you do that? No. I'm not crazy to the extent to want you to do that. That was how I knew you were really married. I'm glad nothing crazy happened between us. We're not having an affair neither will we even think about doing that. I respect your wife, and I'll always respect a marriage.

You came over again, to see me. Stood outside my house and came over to my window to say hi. I was so glad that you came. Cause I knew that I needed to see you again. And that was the last time I saw you.

We're slowly drifting apart. Slowly, but surely, you're going to disappear into your own world and for me, I'll have to start picking up the pieces again. Pieces that I spent the past months mending. It wasn't easy for me then, but it should be easier now.

I love you too, but not the way that I used to anymore. I don't know how long and when I'll move on, but I will.

with a love like that

2011-08-23T13:16:00.000+08:00

3am - and i got a message from you.

obviously i was groggy, i don't even know half the words i said. i didn't want to make you feel bad because of the way i reacted. i don't know what your motives were, but i knew then, that i didn't want to show you any forms of affection.

You felt that it wasn't me. you couldn't find the love you were searching for cause i was refraining myself from saying things that'll make the both of us feel that we have so much more to look forward to every time.

you're not near, but i know that someday, you'll come here to be with me. i promise to love you endlessly and you should promise me the same. we were almost close to breaking down when you saved me back.

5am - we started talking.

that was when i knew we'll never stop. you're the smartest person i've ever met. not considering the fact that you're a scientist / researcher whatever. but the knowledge you had in your head was so much. too much in fact and i loved how you always try to outwit me some how. from history, to geography, to science, to english, to philosophy, you seem to know everything.

and you fed me with so much knowledge, i don't even know how to digest it.

you're so intelligently smart and i love how stupid i feel when i talk to you sometimes.

"do you know about the aryans?"

and i'm like, " no, i don't know.."

and you're like, " okay, here it goes .... "

"and do you know what piloerection is? "

" noooo .. "

" oh my god, you don't? it's like the scientific term when your hair stands "

"i only know goosebumps!"

and he hated me speaking singlish given the fact that he came here to work for a while. i'll teach him some malay, and he'll teach me polish, hindi, spanish. he is that annoying. information is always at his fingertips and i don't know how he does that.

he has a phD in something and he's only 28. it's like he's gifted or something.

i want to be with you J, cause you make me happy every single time you talk to me. the distance is the only reason why we're not together but i know that eventually, we'll overcome all odds and that we'll be together.

i hope i'm not speaking too soon because even if we're not together, i am glad and will always be glad that in one point of time, i got to know someone so amazing like you.

a come back

2011-08-21T00:51:00.000+08:00

this space of mine has been long forgotten and i'm not sure of anyone who'd even care to visit this space. it's been a while since i wrote something here because i thought the past should kind of remain as it is and there isn't any point bringing the past to the present moment.

i chose to come back because this is where i came from. this was how life was to me, then. this is just a reminder of how much i've been through when i was a teenager and how much i've grown to be a young adult.

with a silly silly URL that i had, i wondered what was really on my mind then. don't laugh, it's not even funny to begin with.

xx

quote

2009-11-16T23:53:00.002+08:00

i think with me, you have always been an angel...

EVERYONE!! SAY AWWWWWWWW..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i need to stop this.

2009-11-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

oh my god, i cannot take it anymore.

progress?

2009-11-01T19:58:00.002+08:00

i don't know but .. nothing as of now. i don't wanna wait, but situation made me wait. they say, don't wait. don't let this pass me by. i'm not letting it pass me so quickly cause i want to put in the effort. i wanna know what love is & i want you to show me.

so cute.

2009-10-26T23:15:00.003+08:00

"he likes you.."

Awww when was the last time someone said that to me? Hmmm... almost never BUT it happened today! miracle much? i don't know!

"he doesn't like to hang out, have night life, be around crowded places. All he does is go to work, go home & go to gym.."

=)

but oh well. it never happens. always.

new perspective

2009-10-20T00:33:00.003+08:00

because i don't know what to do.

i have issues, yes i have. i have issues when it comes to people. i have personal issues that i can never deal with. i have grudges. i hold grudges. it could be something so little, but if you used me wrongly, i will and when i say will, it means that i WILL remember it for the rest of my life.

like if you hide something from me deliberately, it's never gonna work because i'm able to find out anyway and when i do, nothing you do can make me change my perception of you. it's like that but what do i do? i pretend as though everything's alright. like everything's meant to be alright and that you never did any wrong and that i was fine with it all along.

fuck no! it hurts! but how can one's hurting heals another one's pain? it can't! why are you so selfish. why can't things be so easy. why is it a living hell when i think of it?

i don't understand myself. i'll never understand myself. i see things happen, and i let it happen. i let the whole world revolve around all of you while mine's still stuck in the 4 walls with noone to laugh around with. i don't even wanna talk to myself in the mirror.

i hate this, i'm hating it.

did you know?

2009-10-06T00:36:00.002+08:00

awww...

i missed these.... but it's okay! there's always next year, or the year after. we cannot run away from the fact those carefree days are long gone. (Y)
i cannot keep chasing after my own shadows. i need to keep up with this thing called life. memories often change, we can only reminisce.

earth angel

2009-10-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

please give me the capacity to go the extra mile.

the prejudice.

2009-09-28T23:03:00.002+08:00

when boys wait for someone they like, we'd go 'awwww, relax, be patient. You can go through this. Just give it some time. Don't break it up, everything's gonna be okay..'

When girls wait for someone they like, they'd go(with no feelings at all), ' you still like him ah babe? Forget it lah. Just move on okay. So many guys out there sure can do it one'

fuck you, really.

happy thoughts.

2009-09-28T21:01:00.001+08:00

serioulsy, FML.

broken glass.

2009-09-27T00:34:00.002+08:00

it takes two to tango. It takes two hands to clap. I can't dance & he's disabled. i guess we're not a match. I guess he's found someone who could meet up to his demands. I guess this is it. I guess this is goodbye.

I can't believe i'm feeling bad :(

without you

2009-09-21T04:00:00.000+08:00

recently, every night i would cry myself to sleep. i was like a crybaby recently. i tear at every single thing. i tear when i watch the television. i tear when their family reconcile. i tear when i think about my father. i tear when i wasn't cared enough. i tear when my brothers refused to listen to me.

it's not easy. i want to smile, smile till the end of time. i want to smile when i'm with my friends. i want to smile when i'm working. i want to smile when i'm with the people that i love. i want to smile when i'm alone.. of course smiling always doesn't mean i'm crazy or anything, NO. it's like falling in love.. it's a really nice feeling. but i'm not saying that i wanna fall in love or what. i just urhm, i don't know eh.

i had fun today, i had fun listening to people giving compliment. i don't get that everyday because of the same old hair style.. the same old face, blah3.. nothing new, nothing exciting. but when people divert their attention when they see me, it feels good.

smile like you mean it.

the visit

2009-09-18T20:57:00.002+08:00

i like the attention but i'm not too sure if i can do this. what if i'm supposed to live up to your demands? i cannot do that and i'm not asking you to follow up to mine. we should give and take but i cannot give if you don't wanna take. i'm afraid of losing you but at the same time, i'm afraid of commitments.

what if i fall? who would carry me? because when i fall, i fall damn hard. and i don't want the mistake that i did before to be a karma so as to how you're reacting towards me. it's scary, and i don't like to fight.

the person i am? i'm not the sort who'd show affection. i'm afraid.. cause i know you're definitely going to walk away from my life. maybe not today, but maybe it'll be tomorrow, or the day after. i don't know..

puspa..

day & night

2009-09-13T12:17:00.002+08:00

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter.
where we take this road
someone's gotta go
and i want you to know.
you couldn't have loved me better.
but i want you to move on,

so i'm already gone.

i don't like this feeling

2009-09-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

it's like a punishment i never wanted. it sucks and i cannot go on pretending like i'm alright.

living on a prayer

2009-09-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

He answered my prayers, and i finally got a reply :) please let it stay that way.

one last chance

2009-09-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

i'm just patiently waiting for that one call, sms, reply. I'm not hoping but if there's still nothing by then, i know miracles don't happen. & i'm left waiting like i've always do.

I want the train to stop at my stop. I don't want it to keep going without me. But on another side, i gotta stop pretending that it's gonna be as easy as before.

I've got nothing to show, nth at all.

in the bus

2009-09-03T10:31:00.002+08:00

everyday, we meet new people.

big, small, tall, short, fat, thin, with glasses or without glasses, sane and even insane.
of which, i see every single day.
i'm not a stalker but i know where some people board the bus, and where they will alight, what time they will be in the bus and all of that jazz.

it's funny, because they recognise me & i recognise them.

the person i've always noticed since the day i started work is this ang moh man with a single eye line. hhaha yes i bet he shaved it off cause the lines aren't straight. he wears his tie outside of the collar. tall and "handsome".

another one looks like a japanese man probably in his late 20s. very smart, retro look. always with his spectacle and his shirt tucked in well ironed. i saw him smiled alone staring at me so i smiled back. often times we exchange stares but that's normal because we "see" each other almost everyday.

[ to be continued ah... hahahaha ]

i love to take the bus.. no matter how long the journey is, it's nice to see different types of people.

3 times & it's ...

wea-ked wednesday

2009-09-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

i fall sick very easily nowadays. it only means my immunity level is going down! come on soldiers, fight fight! i hate it when i'm sick. my colleagues were really nice so that kinda eased the pain. went to work rather late and came back really early.

i'm going to listen to the radio, close the window and start sleeping. i know i'm supposed to wipe the table, but i'm too lazy. oops, sorry mama.

you can never say never..

today, last year

2009-08-31T01:27:00.003+08:00

i want that day to come back again.
i don't know why, but i'm missing it.
i'm missing you and that i'd have to admit.
it has been seven months, seven years and nothing's happened.
i wished you then, but it slipped my mind this year.
you & your fairytale, me & my scary whale.
please come back soon.

anything to forget everything.

you too

2009-08-30T22:51:00.002+08:00

sometimes you can't make it, on your own.

sleepy sunday

2009-08-30T00:32:00.006+08:00

it's not about being shy, it's all about respecting. do you have the respect? i guess not

for your 57th..

2009-08-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

daughter's not like mother.
i love my mother for without her, we wouldn't know what to do in life. Yes, she controls me a hell lot. we scream and shout at each other a hell lot. i don't do the housework. i don't communicate well, but her presence, just her presence creates a huge impact in my life. yes, at times when she screams at me, i would hate her for that but i know that it was just temporary. when father left us, it aches to see her in sorrow. every single day. but i know that every day, she became even stronger than she is.

without her, who's gonna cook for us? who's gonna kiss us goodbye when we go out of the house? who's gonna do the housework? who's gonna give us a teddy hug? who's gonna be our father?

happy birthday mama. no matter how firm you are in not letting me go overseas with my friends, i will still love you even when you scream and shout at my face. curse and swear at me. you will always be my mother, someone whom i cannot live without even though i can still live without you for one day but for more than a day? my life will be empty. thanks for being the great mother you are and may you lead a longer and healthier life. i promise, with the help of God, that we will give you the good life you deserve. ilym.

sweet dreams little lambs.

i didn't want to

2009-08-27T05:51:00.002+08:00

this is NOT an emo post.

MEN, are not the same. MY late dad is the best responsible not good looking and hardworking guy in the world. He passed away. whatever happened to people like him? where can i find someone like him. i have been dealing with women having such horrible life because their men cannot even give them the comfort that they need. whatever that men need, will be given the the women but when it comes to the women, they neglect the care and concern. when men are in love, they tend to forget the people around him.

i was given the same kind of advise from three different people today; "please don't be like me, please don't end up like me. find someone that can bring you up and guide you till the end of time. Men can change overtime. once you're married that's it. some people will show their true colors so please, i pray to god that you will find someone good. "

insyallah, dear God, please. hear my prayers. show me a man that can guide me and if 'm to guide him, please let him be patient and nice. he must know what he wants in life so that he can show me what a real good life is. i want someone like my dad because i know my brothers are nice people. dear God, he may not be the awesomest looking one, but he needs to be well proper and the least he could do is guide me by praying and giving me a good feeling always. dear God, please, please hear my prayers . if the people that i meet prays that i meet a good guy, please hear their prayers, hear my mother's prayers, and hear my prayers too.

it's really sad to see men hitting their women at the slightest things. i just feel like kicking them in their balls just to let him know what's like hitting a lady. it's sad to see women crying infront of complete strangers just to get the divorce over and done with. i may not show it to them, but deep down, my heart aches and i pray for a better life, always. these men should die faster than our fathers.

Dad, Pak busu, Abg joe; these three men are people that we adore. we adore their sacrifices, their loving feeling towards our mothers, their hardship, their responsibilities, their patience, their understandings and their ability to guide our mothers and us for a better life. not going astray anywhere. but sadly, God loved them more. He had put their life to an end. Our mothers got noone to turn to when us children makes their lives difficult. Dear god, put them in a better place and in this month of ramadhan, i know that they are out there somewhere, watching over us always. i'm sure they yearn for our touch as much as we as a family yearn for theirs. please, find us a better man or man as equal as them to be with. it's like, it's never enough spending time with them.

this is the 3rd ramadhan without my father.

i really missed those times when i called him to buy air katirah. those times when he bought me an expensive baju kurung. those times when my brothers will fight for food. those times when we went to geylang together. those times when he bought nasi ambeng and we all share the food together. those times when he calls my name and i wake up for sahur. those times when he wakes me up for morning prayers. those times when he kissed me goodbye before leaving for work.

sometimes i wished people will appreciate their fathers. no matter how different they might be to your liking, appreciate him because you don't know the sacrifice he's made until he's gone. and i don't know what i'll do without my mother so please God, please let her live longer with a healthy life so that she'll guide us little children looking for their way up in life.

i choose money first, then love.

let it slide

2009-08-13T10:04:00.004+08:00

we might as well be strangers.

sometimes, people don't know what they are saying. littlest words that means nothing to them means the world to me. and when i say world, it doesn't really mean the best thing that can ever happen. when i meant world is either it breaks me, or it makes me too.

like they say, " you get the best and worst of both worlds "

my heart; it's like an empty vessel but i filled it up with warmth and happiness. how you see me as often doesn't tally to what's deep within. the hurt that was caused cannot be seen with the naked eye. it has to be searched thorough and if you can't do that then i'm sorry for you. you do not guess feelings. whatever lah okay.

i wake up, it's a bad dream noone on my side. i was fighting but i just feel too tired to be fighting, guess i'm not the fighting kind but you're longer, yeah you're long gone now.

i feel tired, very very tired. tired beyond imagination. it feels as though my body is slowly eating me up. i need rest, i need alot of rest.

we always want to be somebody

my secret gateaway

2009-08-10T22:24:00.001+08:00

The Hangover

watched it with anil the other day. very interesting plot because the ending wasn't predictable. i'm pretty curious so as to how the feeling of getting a hangover is like but i can only imagine. i like the 3rd guy, best even though he didn't act much in the show. hilarious piece of shit.

Final Destination 4

When Nick O'Bannon had a premonition of a racecar fatally crashing and instantly killing his friends in the most gruesome way, he decided to just shake it off. But when everything looks so real, he began to panic and persuaded the other teenagers to leave the place immediately. final destination is sick, watching it in 3D is fucking sick. but i cannot wait to watch it. HAHAHAHAHA i just watched the trailer and i covered my eyes most of the time. but i'd still go for the thrill of it.

The proposal

it focuses on an arranged marriage, this time between a demanding female boss (Bullock) faced with deportation who agrees to a sham engagement and marriage with her young stressed out and henpecked male assistant (Reynolds) to avoid being sent back to Canada. it's sandra bullock.. who doesn't love her? hahahaha.

My Sister's Keeper.

it's from the director of the notebook so i'm assuming that this movie's gonna be another sappy sad show but it's alright. it's about a cancer patient or something like that lah. can't wait to see cameron diaz back again.

The Time Traveler's Wife

it tells the remarkable story of Henry DeTamble (Eric Bana), a dashing, adventuresome librarian who travels involuntarily through time, and Clare Abshire (Rachel McAdams), an artist whose life takes a natural sequential course. Henry and Clare's passionate love affair endures across a sea of time and captures the two lovers in an impossibly romantic trap. damn confusing show. have read the book, so i'm assuming it's gonna be interesting when it's on the screen. ahhaha

that's the list for now. but i'm sure there'd be more to come. anyone with me?

hypocrites

2009-07-27T20:44:00.001+08:00

i'm alright, standing in the streetlight.

they are all there for the same reason. I may be one but i do not show it to the whole world like some people do. I do not understand some people. I don't know how people can be really close for the wrong reasons. I'm a victim and i've always been one and i've shot the others to be part of my emotion.

' please keep this to yourself '

I'm sure that each and every one of us are all guilty with using those 5 words altogether. It works both ways. Either it was used to you, or it was used by you and in a simple 5 year old term, it means to shut your fucking gap up.

if those words entitles you to get fined, i'm sure every one of us would be sucked dry; Penniless.

I would be charged as guilty but as far as i can remember, i have always been a victim of keeping too much secrets that sometimes, before i get to tell someone, the whole world knows it and i will not deny that it wasn't me who'd let the cat loose. I'm afraid of cats, so where'd i get the balls to let em go?

We sometimes misunderstand certain situations that we barely weigh the feelings we might hurt. Why is it so hard to see the tears that was shed? Why was it so easy to make it fall?

It has always been easy to build an innocent friendship. One that's been based on the smiles that people exchange. One that we took greatly for granted not knowing the risk that we gamble getting to know one another. One that possibly, could be based on lies.

But do you know for sure what you've put yourself into? No.

what would you do if you know the truth? Are you going to base the connection with that one lie, or are you going to draw a line between thousands of truths? I have a feeling, a strong feeling that someone's gonna get her ass bitten if it goes on like this.

I may be charged as guilty, but i was told the truth and nothing but the truth. I am losing some people that i love, but why did i even deserve it? I have some of the 'secrets' with me, non of which anyone might know but i'm given a choice; to throw the keys away, or to open it for the whole world to see.

you spurn my natural emotions. it makes me feel like dirt and i'm hurt. if i start a commotion, i run the risk of losing you and that's worst. ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with? I can't see what's the future unless we find out what's to blame. what a shame we can't be together until we realize we're both the same. if i start a commotion, i'll only end up losing you and that's worst.

i'm not stupid, you are.

license to kill

2009-07-11T22:44:00.012+08:00

you were not wrong about your guess.

" Train journeys are about possibilities. They denote a change in state. When you arrive, you are no longer the same person who departed. You can make new friends en route, or find old enemies; you may get diarrhoea from eating stale samosas or cholera from drinking contaminated water. And, dare i say it, you might even discover love...

... The tanntalizing possibility which tickled my senses and thrilled my heart was that i might, just might, be about to fall in love and when i say love, i don't mean unrequited, unequal love that we profess for movie stars and celebrities. I mean real, practical, possible love.

Love which does not end in tears on the pillow, but which can fructify into marriage. And kids. And a family holiday to goa. "

I spent the past few days resting. The swine scare was intensed but i'm safe. I missed work two days in a row after i realised that someone doesn't care. and somehow, it hurts just a little bit knowing you once put a thought to that someone and all because of a speculation, he left you to die. Ahh, bliss.

I spent at least half the time making up for the loss sleep. The loss sleep i've been yearning for since i started on my new job. I am not complaining but i must say it's the best feeling ever. I dreamt of dinosaurs, michael jackson(twice somemore!), my close friends, my family, even my lost uncle and dad!

Dreams.. Will always remain as that eh? someone can only say so much. The rest is up to us to decipher. It's up to you to judge. After all, you might just be wrong, so get it right before you start shooting. I missed you.

You are in denial..

from stones to gems

2009-07-06T19:13:00.003+08:00

visions of divisions.

i'm waiting for my moment to come. i'm waiting for the movie to begin. i'm waiting for a revelation. i'm waiting for someone to count me in. cause now i only see my dreams in everything that i touch. i feel their cold hands on everything that i love, cold like some magnificant skyline that's out of my reach but always in my eye line now. but everytime i reach for you, you slip through my fingers into the cold sunlight, laughing at the things that i had planned. the map of my world gets smaller as i sit here pulling at the loose threads now.

i waited up all night but i never saw the light.

decision is the act of reaching a conclusion or making up one's mind. everyday, decisions have to be made on my side because i deal with something that requires myself to come out with a solution to the people that come in to seek help. on my side, i have to think fast, come out with solutions for the people that's in need. now when big opportunities are given for me to decide, i took quite a while to think.

to be continued.. i told someone he'd be the reason why i'll run, i better do so right now. be back in a jiffy! :) obviously that didn't happen.

i was in a dilemma just now but i thought about it and i got opinions from my manager and mama and abang and a good friend of mine :) and they all come up with the same solution. feeling bad is one thing, achieving something is another. so let's just pray that i'm not making a mistake and with that, i'm able to shine and yes, i want to shine. amin.

sometimes, when opportunity is given, we have to seize it. i am seizing it, but what are the consequences of me taking it up? only God has the answers to my question. let's hope that He has a bright path ahead for me. i am willing to work doubly hard given the lazy ass that i have. we'll see, we'll see. at the same time, i have to see the picture now too. it hasn't been long and i'm thinking about moving on. it doesn't show the potential in me. i know i can do so much better. faith.. like what they always say, it's the believing on the unseen.

falling slowly, and i can't go back

reconciliation

2009-07-02T01:58:00.001+08:00

give me reasons to prove me wrong.

when people in court say they want to reconcile, it means either revocation or remarrying with someone they are married to. or maybe in some context, it means to put back the pieces that's broken. as cliche as it may have already sound, it's like fixing the missing puzzle.

i don't have any missing puzzle to fix. i have a puzzle but it's all distorted. i don't get to see/say what's on my mind in hopes and fear that i might offend someone else. i cannot see the picture that's on those puzzles. they all seemed so hazy, so dark. i only see people's beautiful pieces. but somewhere within my piece, i know there's light. i believe in hope. and i strongly believe in miracles. but let's just put that aside because miracles and me are not the best of friends.

i try, i do try my best to make things work. but if i don't see it working, i'll stop making any effort. i want to let things be because i'm not good at solving my own problems. i'm not someone who gives away very easily but when i do, it only means that something's not right and that something should be done and when nothing's done, it only means i'm tired.

as for now, let's just say that i'm trying to make ends meet but the problem is that i can never see an ending until i put a stop to something. my line keeps going and going because i refuse to put a mark, to show that hey, i cannot go further than this. but now, i just kept going and i don't see any point why i must make that decision.

i guess all's good but i've made up my mind. i'm not sure of the truth, neither am i sure of the lies. and i'm not saying it just to say it's a lie, i'm not. like i've always believed in, some things are kept best to oneself. i've let loose a little, but i can safely say that i'm done with it. it's okay, let me make my way out. it's the only way to let go of the unnecessary burden on you, me and everyone else.

please, i wasn't really keen. i do not want to send out the wrong signals. i am going to keep the messages to myself, and i'll make it to the minimal. i'll save 5 cents for every worthless messages from now on. i'll make the effort, the effort to prove you wrong.

everyday, with every worthless words we get more far away, the distance between us makes it so hard to stay, nothing last forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it's the only way.

we must free this tired soul before the sadness kills us both. i tried and tried to let you know, i love you but i'm letting you go. it may not last but i don't know, i just don't know. built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart. but strangely i wish secretly it won't fall down when i'm asleep. if you don't know then you can't care. and i show up, and you're not there. but i'm waiting and you want to still be afraid that i will desert you.

i haven't hit the ground so i'm not falling apart

withered flower

2009-06-24T05:39:00.006+08:00

as i'm typing this, i could hear the sound of my mother's sacrifice towards her daugther that's unappreciative of her mother's efforts waking her up for breakfast.

She got me wrong, she really did. I didn't mean to make her feel unappreciated. But she, she really didn't have to comment on the way that i eat. It's only 5 in the morning and the thought of sleep is all that i was thinking so i questioned her back nicely.

" what's wrong with the way i eat? " i asked politely.

" at the rate you are eating, you are only pushing your wealth away. " she said.

I got agitated with the remarks. No, not that i couldn't accept it but really, it's 5 and i need my sleep and i'm being very self centred myself.

" i eat also you want to say that i'm wrong, fine lah .. " i said that, pretending to leave my food.

She got really sensitive, she walked away with God's name praying for me to repent. I tried to reason things out but i guess no matter what i say won't change a thing.

No, i swear upon her, upon God, that i never meant to do what i did but to hear her say maybe i was born from a different mother aches me. And the constant sound of her sobs aches me even more.

I know that each tear that a mother drop is worth sins unimaginable. Those tears are so precious, as precious as diamonds that the minute they break, i'm as good as going to the gates of hell. No matter how good the person i am, i'm sorry to say but that's my weakest link.

I need help, i think i need a counsellor. Someone who acts as a middle party to make things better between me and my mother, my constant source of unhappiness.

I cannot take it anymore. I don't want to be paying for the sins that i can avoid. Like say if i don't fast today, i wouldn't be typing an entry like this. I wouldn't have cried feeling remorseful thinking about what could have not been said.

Paranoia; what would be the end result? Will God punish me by taking all my happiness aaway? Will He make me suffer? Will he take my life away? What? Will i be given a disease i deserve? He works wonder, and i am afraid of what's next.

I'm sorry ma, i'm sorry. I'm sorry for the tears i made you cry. I'm sorry for being the a hole i really am. I'm sorry if i'm your own source of unhappiness. I'm sorry i was born your daughter. I'm sorry for the words that i say. I'm sorry for not being home on bak's 3rd death anniversary. I'm sorry for not providing the family enough. I'm sorry i really am. Please forgive me for i have done you wrong.

Love,
me.

stay the same

2009-06-21T04:15:00.001+08:00

look me in the eye as we talk.

i think that you could be whatever you want it to be. if you could realise all the dreams you had inside. don't be afraid if you got something to say. just open up your heart and let it show you the way.

dont you ever wish you were someone else? you were meant to be the way you are exactly. don't you ever say you don't like the way you are. when you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far. and i hope you'll always stay the same. cause there's nothing about you i would change.

believe in yourself, reach down inside. the love you found will set you free :) believe in yourself.. you will come alive. have faith in what you do, you'll make it through :)

if you love someone, go all out. never ever bother about what people will say. don't even stop to think of what the person you love might say. you wouldn't know the outcome of the situation. i'm not in love, don't get me wrong.. or so i think. it's funny how i relate this situation to the past. kal ho naa ho's a perfect show to watch because it teaches me the value of life. i may get sad, but there are alot of sadder people out there.

i just had a small cut. i haven't scratched myself deeper because once i'm sucked right into the shithole, that's when the problem kicks in. i don't need any medicine or any anticeptic cream to heal the cut, just a little kinder bueno would do the trick. you might fall, but that's the greatest thing on earth. you will find that happiness you truly deserve :) i know you.

laugh at me, go ahead, laugh at me for i'll prove you my worth. my worth as a person, my worth as a daughter, and my worth ( i was gonna say mother BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN DUH HAHAHAHA ) as a friend. i will be somebody. i will..

my friend gave me the best advice. he said "each day's a gift and not a given right. leave no stones unturned, leave your fears behind." try to take the path less traveled by that the first step you take is the longest ride. against the grains should be the way of life. what's worth the price is always worth the fight. every second counts cause there's not second try. so live like you're never living twice. don't take the free ride in your own life.

swear up and down to God above that you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day. would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? you know it's never too late to shoot for the stars regardless of who you are. so do whatever it takes, cause you can't rewind a moment in this life. let nothing stand in your way. cause the hands of time are never on your side.

so promise no matter how long it takes for me to get back to you, you'll wait for me. i promise no matter how far away i go, i'll come back to you. just wait and see. so close yet so far. it's late so good night prettyheads

i miss being at home..

now and then

2009-06-19T19:30:00.001+08:00

i missed your nonsense and i hope you missed me too.

three years on.

2009-06-17T22:11:00.004+08:00

i'm trying my best to talk to as many people as i can. to make sure i don't think about the event that made me regret forever. i'm trying my best not to think about feeling sad. i want to laugh. i want to joke around. i need to talk. i need to keep my mind off it. i need to, i need to. but it's not working. HAHAHA nope, still nothing..

i try not to think about the pain i feel inside. did you know you are still my hero? all the days you spent with me, now seem so far away. and it feels like you don't care anymore. and now i try hard to make it, i just want to make you proud. i'm never ever gonna be good enough for you. i can't stand another fight, nothing's alright. cause we lost it all. nothing last forever, i'm sorry i can't be perfect. now it's just too late, and we can't go back, i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

three years on, but you are still fresh in my memory. you were.. you used to be fresh. but now, all that's left are pictures and memories i have of you. i missed you then, and i missed you now. forever, and always. i love you bak

please make this right again

violent world

2009-06-15T20:12:00.004+08:00

i guess mama's right. The things she's blabbering about. The way i live my life. I tend to forget about the hardship i've yet to see. Of course i wouldn't want that to happen. Of course i'd want to lead a carefree life. I forgot where the money come from. I forgot about the money that i took ages to save. I forgot about the amount of sweat and energy i used to earn them... And yet, i spend them like water.

I admit! I admit that i'm not a spender. But once i've made up my mind on something, there's definitely no turning back. That might have sucked but of course i'd want something that i like. I know, i jolly well as hell knows that i'm wrong. But what can i do? how can i help myself? i could tell the world that i am not who i am, but how will the world see me as? Sigh.

If she knows, i am going to die.

Tell me, why must it be us? I want things to be different. I want to have no restrictions. I want to be free. I want to fly. I want to run as far as i can. I don't want to be caught in between fantasy and reality.

Working with syariah court teaches me alot about life and the shit people face. Maybe i should seek help. HA HA HA just fuck off lah.

Sigh, lately i've been doing alot of thinking. At time, i do feel like in neeed to let some things out of the bag. I know that one or two got the hint but i will never ever let them know the thing that's on my mind.

it's like taking a huge bungee risk which i can never afford to face. I've had enough. It's annoying to the coreeee. I like your humour, but i like your good buddy more. I find your stupid thoughts disgusting. I will not agree with you futher, promise. And if i do, i'd kill one of the birds in the park. Ahhhh, just leave me.

calling out in a moment of need..

the call

2009-06-11T01:39:00.003+08:00

there he was, standing infront of me.

if i could turn back the time(fuck that), i would go back to saturday. i would want to spend the rest of the night with the people that i love. i officially broke my chalet virgin, swimming virgin, late night virgin but definitely not my virgin. HHAHAH what the hell.

bought a lomo camera just for the event and i must say that some pictures turn out good. i intend to buy and start collecting for the sake of it. it's really fun to feel the excitement when you send it for development. it's definitely an expensive hobby but once in aw hile, there's no harm eh?

i'm sleepy and i'm going to sleep but i cannot..

me : how are they going to transport the killer whale over?
vj : first they are going to kill the whale. then they are going to bring them over to the resort world, then the indians will "whale whale whale aka vel " and the whale will come to life.
all : HAHAAHAHAHAHA.

so cute.

please, i do not want history to repeat itself. i do not want it to repeat again. i do not want. i do not want. i do not want. i swear upon god that it's the worst feeling ever. please please please i do not want it to repeat itself. same story same plot same content. i do not want it to repeat itself. go find someone else. goooo findddd someone elseeeeeee. i do not want to fall. nooooooo.. please okay. slitsxzxzx. eeee.

cause there's nothing about you i would change

life in monochrome

2009-06-03T00:02:00.000+08:00

i don't like you but i hate your ego more.

marzuki said:
yar.... I noe i dun tok to u much but that's coz i want u to start thinking for urself. And if u really need to talk... just ask.

aiyoh! that's the nicest thing i've heard in the whole wide world! i was looking at his death certificate just now and i thought of something. it's the month of june already and bak's 3 years is coming. i can't believe we actually lived without him for the past 3years coming.

i used to wonder what's life like with him around. i wonder the comfort we have. the different restrictions. the environment. the smell. the sound. the .. touch. the voice. the sight. he doesn't wear deodorant like the pakcik bawah block neither does he put on powder but his cigarette smells never fail to make me feel good.

every time i go out of house, i'd kiss his hands and i'd kiss his cheeks and he'd kiss mine and his rough moustouche and beard would brush against mine and i'd feel the love that he gives. he'd do the smelling action when he kissed me back on my cheeks and the sound gives me the feeling of security. that i'm loved. that i have someone to look after me.

this feelings come and go and when it comes, all of the bittersweet memories come rushing like sperms fighting for an egg. all fighting to come out of the little memory that i have. sometimes to find the ultimate memory seems eternity. BUT the ultimate thing that i missed is to have someone to look me up when i'm sick. i went to the doctor a few days ago and the record shows the last time i visited that clinic was in 2005. that was the last visit i went with him and we ate KFC! haiyah no more sad mood. nooooo...

because you made me smile.

we don't have to whisper

2009-05-31T01:23:00.001+08:00

i don't know about you, but i know me.

think of it for a moment. how many times have you said the word if? how many times were you surrounded by the what ifs. how many times? and if you know that you can have it that way, why is it that you still refuse to do what your heart says and you shoot yourself with the word if? why.

what happens if you do what your heart wants. would you rather do for the sake of letting it out or do you want to do it because you know you'd get a returned favour. how would you know the outcome if you want to be quiet about it? i don't know but i like it this way. i have the power and right to decide accourding to my own judgement. it is entirely within my discretion whether i will go or stay. who are you to tell me no?

what do you do when you are in a crossroad? do you know which path to choose or do you just go ahead without knowing where you're heading to. and if you don't, why are you refusing to hear what you want to do. where you want to go. and how you want to get there? why? why is it that when you are at an interception, you say that you don't know where to go? do you have a destination? do you know what it takes for you to be where you are?

i often tell myself that if i'm ever at a crossroad, i must know where to go. if i'm ever going to not know where to go, i'd shoot myself there and then. often times i tell myself what if i told him? what's going to happen? is he going to move away like he would or would he return the same deed? what happens if i move away, do i get the benefit of the doubt or will things be just the way it is?

then i say no. no NO no. do not and i mean do NOT ever do that. if it means losing the job, if it means losing your sanity and even if it means losing yourself, NO. why? because some things are better left unsaid. the whole world can know but not the one person, one thing, one job can know.

what happens if one day, someone comes up to your face and and screw you right up in your face. what would you do? would you let them do what they want and be quiet about it? or would you stand up for what you believe in? how often have you done that? for me? zero. i don't have the heart and the balls like you do. and why is it that easy for one to bring you down but when you try to do the same, it backfires you like anything bad couldn't have possibly happen.

a new day will dawn for those who stand long. how long have you be standing up? has your new day dawned? has the light shine upon you? do you believe in miracles? what do you believe in. as i've said before and i'll say it again, sometimes, life bites you hard in the ass and when you try to heal the wound that it left, it bites you again and again.

if life was bad, you wouldn't be smiling like you would. and if life was good, you shouldn't be crying like you should. so tell me raidah, how do you feel about life? i want to know your answers raidah, i do. <3

the light is the sign that love will guide you home

love like rockets

2009-05-26T21:19:00.000+08:00

If I ask you once, will you ask me every year?

like last week, i'm going to say it's finally the midweek! which means after tomorrow will be thursday and after thursday is finally friday BUT! i'm not keen for saturday to come because i'll be stationed at panorail. yawns.

time is passing by awkwardly fast and i've been getting a hang of what to do at work. there's aloooooooooot of registrations to be processed and as i looked into files by files, i realised that the patterns that they face is almost the same. MEN! why are they so stupidly dumb.

i got told off by this man here because i wasn't being very flexible towards him. DUH he so well to do want to be pampered for what? kena raise voice for no reason. thank god! my heroes came right on time. heng ah. then that man apologised for being soooo mean to me. know want to be scared ah. i who? this time round, i managed to put all emotions aside when it comes to dealing with people. i wasn't at all affected because i told myself to be numb and think of earth angel to calm myself down. hahahah!

angels and demons last week was good as expected. though a boring start, i thought the ending was merepek when it comes to the explosion part. never make sense! but overall i liked the pinch of humour they had. i personally feel that davinci code's the best. time to start reading up on the book. confirm got more details one lor.. like duh. good company, good show, GOOD ENOUGH :)

My hands are tied, two worlds alone and this I know. Your breath's like wine, and just like clouds, my skin crawls. it's so divine, the sky it glows with fields of light. I've got a lot to say, if you will let me. it's always hard, when you're around me but here right now, there's interest in your eyes. So hear me out, and hear this the first time.

stars in the sky.

a repeat telecast

2009-05-20T19:19:00.005+08:00

my heart is as strong as your weakness and your weakness is love.

it's finally the midweek which means! it's thursday tomorrow and after thurs is.... FRIDAY! and friday equals to 2 hours of lunch break which also means that time will be slightly faster than the usual one hour. which also means i'll have money! okay that's not the point..

often times people come in with the same intention. the ultimate intention which is to let go of the ones they made vows to. then i ponder.. i'm 20 and i have alot to live for. what if i found someone, whom i'd spend the rest of my life with and the outcome's the same? it's really scary to commit. you may be as rich as bill gates and you may be as poor as the bummer across the road, they all have the same outcome. and when i look down to the companion they bring, the shine in their eyes tells me that they have alot to live for. i looked at them and i smiled.

i missed birdpark somehow. the flexibility of staying out with the mates and go for dinner. laughing and bitching about the visitors. it's all good but of course i don't miss the standing up. can't wait for sunday though monday is after sunday which means the start of the week and that means i'll be working sunday - sunday - friday. 13 days baby, THIRTEEN! oh my god. but after the end of the 13 days, i'll meet the people that matters for a good weekend of fun-filled activities. mama must give me this opportunity, really.

should i continue birdpark? or should i seize the opportunity to rest on weekends. if i think about earning extra income, then i'll continue birdpark. wan recommended me work on saturdays so i'd take sunday off to rest. ahhhh if this is adulthood then i want to be young again! mother expects money to come in already. she's like worrying so much about future now that i'm the only one working. aiyah pressurised already. at the rate that i'm earning, i know, i definitely know that i will not have a chance to save for studies.

nevermind anything goes.. life. and i find it kind of funny. i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had. i find it hard to tell you and i find it hard to take when people run in circles. it's a very very mad world.

i wished he was around..

butterflies and kupu-kupu

2009-05-17T21:20:00.001+08:00

i will look out for you if you will look out for me.

So hear this please,
and watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

just sit back and hold on but hold on tight
prepare for the best and the fastest ride
and reach out your hand and i'll make you mine

everything, everything's magic

as much as i thought things were going a little bit better, someone's gotta be a bitch. enough said, if you want to play my game, we'll play. get over it you son of a bambangyodoyono.

went to the Joo yesterday and i had funnnnnn :) for obvious reasons of course. hehehe. no not because of whoever you think it is but .. i got to take pictures with the china man! sooooo cute can.

tomorrow will be the start of a new day, new challenges and new experiences. i'm not sure how the atmosphere's gonna be like but i'm sure it'll definitely be boring given the fact that i will not be interacting with tourists like i do now and that i'll probably be sitting on my ass half the entire time working and making it seem like a hippo giving birth. shit noooooooo! one straight bus in the morning, and i'm sure it's gonna be jam packed when i take the bus back.

i hope that everything will go smoothly :)

Do you know that sometimes, you got to open your eyes to see the options that's right at you dear. Sometimes, when someone says something, they don't usually mean it. It depends on how you want to interprete it. If you take it lightly, then it's always a good thing. But have you ever asked yourself why that was made? Was it because it was made for fun or was there meanings behind every words that was said? What are the chances of self inflicted hurt when the words are said? When we laugh things out together, do you know what's in my mind? I'll give you two options.......... Nevermind, it's least important. Life's like a rollercoaster. It's either you go with the thrills or you scare the shit out of yourself. time to sleep so goodnight special one

i can never keep up with my shadow..

master of none

2009-05-11T20:14:00.004+08:00

this is it, can you hear me?

went to a couple of places last week and it feels goooood. just abit sayang i didn't get to experience simpang. ezwan was being such a dear to bring us all to a few places that i've never been to or haven't been in years. i think my most favourite part of the week was to just sit around and do nothing. i enjoyed the company like alot. from qw to hv to cv to jh to wc. it was aweeesomeeeeeeee. but of course this has to be the last week i'm going to be back home late if not i can kiss my sorry ass goodbye to the sleepover next month.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

" Don't even ask me what happened, because I still can't explain it. One second I was standing there infront of him, expecting to walk to the side of the porch, and in the next second I wasn't. Instead of moving toward the chairs, I took a step closer to him and found myself reaching for his hand. I took it in mine and looked right at him, moving just a little closer. He didn't exactly step back, but his eyes widened just a little, and for a tiny, flickering moment I thought I'd done the wrong thing and debated going any further. I paused and smiled, sort of tilting my head to the side, and the next thing I saw was that .... "

I had a bad dream last night and the night before. i had to wake up even before it continues. hahaha so hilarious when i think about it. i kissed a girl and i like it. ahh mia mia mia today. no good raidah, no good. what's so hard about getting an MC? you ask me, i ask who right? long day tomorrow and the week later so have a bloody good time wonderwall

tell me, what's on your mind?

starlight

2009-05-10T22:17:00.003+08:00

i will be strong no matter what happens... & i love you ma.

rats on sunset

2009-05-07T21:39:00.004+08:00

the stars in the sky illuminate below.

what if you are Forrest Gump? dumb and stupid but the amount of stupidity that he has equates to the glory he later achieved. how many people are like that? just how many people you know behaves like him? sometimes, i wouldn't mind marrying someone like forrest because as lowly his IQ might be, he knows how to not break a heart, a promise, and he has all the determination in the world to do something he wants to do.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.

so what if you are Jane? pretty, smart, sexy, intelligent but the amount of you being all of that equates to the attitude you portray and after watching that show, i think Jane's a slut. so what? so what if you are all that but you have a heart of a monster? why do you have to hurt people's feelings? why are you a monster? what took you so long to realise that he's the one you are going to be with? why are you so mean to Forrest? when you had his kid, and you know you are going to die.. then you wrote him a letter. why are you so unfair? he's been wanting you all his life and all you do was to let him wait and go with a hundred other men but him.

i don't know why i'm even at this. maybe i meant something, maybe i don't. but i guess not because i shan't waste any effort on something that i know i cannot do anything about. me love forrest gump. me love mommy's boy cause i think a mommy's boy is the sweetest human being ever on earth. and i think forrest gump's the sweeetest show in the whole wide world because eventually mama says that life was like a box of chocolate. you never know what your gonna get

stupid is as stupid does.

meet me in outer space

2009-05-06T11:38:00.004+08:00

i will hold you close if you're afraid of heights

i admit that ever since then, i haven't been myself. i've been angry very easily and my temper just got in the way sometimes. half the entire time when i was angry, i tend to vent it on objects that'll make certain noice that will attract unwanted attention. half of the entire time of me showing that i'm angry was when i keep my gap shut throughout the entire day. but i know that sometimes, i can manage between laughing at something and talking at the right time. that's me dealing with anger. but when i know that people are sensing my anger, i'll start to feel bad and i start to relent. but somewhere deep down, i know that i needed to burst and i know that i can't do that just yet. and now, i'm starting to calm down and i'm breathing easy.

emoh uoy ediug lliw evol taht ngis eht si thgil ehT

the other day when i went for riana's bbq, i went home and i took the bus home. while sitting at the bus stop, i couldn't help but feel the fear that i had while waiting for the bus. haha i definitely know that Pasir ris is not my area and i wouldn't know what to expect. a sigh of relief when the bus came. i stood by the window listening to songs i never heard of and even with the loud music, i could hear someone " nangis tersedu-sedu " i dunno how you say that in english. like you know you cry, and your breath goes short and you try to breathe and it goes short again. yeah that. and the scary part was, she was just in my face and staring out the window and she started chanting some names. i couldn't feel more sad cause i felt more like scared. until i reach yishun, i thank god that i'm in safe hands.

someone was acting like a bastard yesterday and i got mad. i'll clear the air soon because he's annoyingly annoying to the maximum. knn sooo angry already. he and the bigger mouthed bastard can put in the same panorail cabin and BOMB! soooo annoying.

in weeks, i'll be starting off a new line. something different and probably something challenging now that i have to face a different set of people and environment. i'm psyched when i read the email and i'm very eager to learn something new. i will still be with the current one because a part of me finds it hard to let go. hopefully to celebrate my one year there. hur hur hur. and i cannot wait for june to come :) i can't wait to see aeroplanes land and i cannot wait to eat at simpang. hopefully it happens and i'll be a happy girl this week and i promise to be good until then

adakah perasaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta?

simona

2009-05-01T22:58:00.001+08:00

here we go again.

my whole body is aching but i am not sick. and it's so scary to fall sick at this time because people will say i've contracted swine flu. haha it's all the big hoo haa over here when you sneeze. i'm not surprised if our country will contract one someday. time will tell just like how Sars was a big hoo haa, pap, we kena also. but i hope no bloody swines will come to visit the birdpark just because he/she felt like seeing birds for the last time.

sometimes i feel like work's a bitch. anyway! we had our family gathering yesterday at changi beach. damn awesome even though the mood everyone had was kinda monotonous because we were kicked out of the chalet due to the bloody swines. my mama opened up my bag and found a box and i had to lie and it was soooo obvious that i couldn't lie because my cousins said i was sooo stupid to say that it's just a box. hahaha so embarassing can. oh well. what's done is done, no turning back.

me and han sat by the beach and took some really not nice pictures and it felt sooo good cause he was just talking about some stuffs but i wished it was longer if it wasn't for that stupid black and white cat that kept running around by the water. knn spoil steam lah i had to get away from it and go back to where we were. i want to watch the aeroplanes land just above my head and i will do that soon. i don't know why, but i'm really fascinated watching it. hehe8.

finally an off day today but i'll be heading out later. i didn't want to go out the whole day but i would have to go for this even if i have to take a bullet. she's like one of the people that i admire the most and i've given my word to celebrate all of our birthdays this year. i've been a bastard during night safari and cik tahir's gathering so i won't be one again. haha okay not important. i'm off to sleep, goodnight lonely night

why aren't you jealous?

someone i'm not

2009-04-28T09:02:00.004+08:00

the girl who cried wolf is what i was today.

i woke up at 6 with a bad headache and i decide to sleep in for a while more. indeed i've already made up my mind to not come to work yesterday but deep deep deeeeep down in me, i'm not like that. i know that unless there's an excuse to back me up, i'll come no matter what. so E was nice, and she was able to let me come in half day to closing.

this month made me think good. the other time when he texts me asking me to get even with his girlfriend was the time that struck me the most. ego hit me at my worst when i refused to accept his plead. i gave in at times because sometimes, i just forgot that things happen. i forgot that i don't keep grudges. i forgot that i'm not like the rest of the world. i am who i've become. the reason why i couldn't "reconcile" was because i am going to be a hypocrite when i do that. i will still have feelings unsaid when i become nicer again. i'll have thoughts in my head running around like mad pigs wondering if i'm able to trust and put my mind at ease wholeheartedly.... or not. i don't want to be that. and that's my only form of ego.

please don't disappoint me today. please don't. as much as i want the other one badly, i want this too. i want this to be a stepping stone in my life. if my brother could gain so much from it, i want to gain as much as him too. it's been a week and i haven't had calls and i don't want to give up. it's tiring to give up and put hope all over again.

you should realise that i've been hearing you speak for the past days and at some point of time, you don't know what you're talking about and you have to admit that to yourself because really, you don't know what you're talking about. in terms of the experiences, who are you to tell me that? i need you to change your mindset and i'll promise that i'd change mine.

losing the ones they loved is one of the hardest things to let go in life. i've learnt to cherish every single moment no matter how stinky shit can be. what i have yesterday wouldn't be what i'll have later. it pains to see people losing the ones they love but God is great. we will learn to let go no matter how long it will take you. i'll admit that i yearn to have a fatherly figure, if not, someone like my father but not in terms of the age lah of course. i wouldn't want my mother to marry ( not that she's at the age to remarry ) and just get close to a fatherly figure but you know, just someone i know i can feel secure with. ahh, nevermind.

another long day at work and i guess i'm going to log off now and get changed cause i'm the girl who cried wolf. saying something to make people believe that it's not and ultimately when i got it, i know that noone will believe that it happened because it's just another excuse to back me up. good day to you beautiful soul

round and round the merry-go-round

i love you, but you're green

2009-04-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

here we are again, circles never end
how do i find the perfect fit ?
there's enough for everyone
but i'm still waiting in line

like i said last week, i have been in the western part of singapore since forever. tomorrow will be the i don't know how many days cause i've been working since last week. and sat will be the only off day cause for the next few days, i'm rostered to work or to cover someone. good form of exercise but i'll never fail to headbang when i'm in the train cause sleep is the utmost priority once i find myself a seat. knn soooo tiring lah. clean wagons, arrange wagons, wipe wagons, push wagons, carry wagons, pull wagons. i shall not complain and i am not tired.

crank mode deactivated.

i have so many things to say. so many events to talk about and so many complains to rant but none of it seems to be coming out anytime. been typing entries after entries everyday but non of it seems to make sense. nothing seems to make sense, nothing at all. so i left each entries hanging until i decide to press the x button on the top right hand corner of you screen aka the close button. hahaha i think i complain too much to rini or ezwan or ifah and nigel wants to give me one buddha palm punch. i must stop already.

i shall not follow what my heart says because i'm only running away from it. i will keep running until i'm being chased. i do not want to scratch myself. enough of that. no matter what i was told, i must smile and just pretend telling myself that i'm not affected. so far, so good. i'm tired and i want to sleep. good night

who doesn't long for, someone to hold ?

red white & black affair

2009-04-17T01:40:00.003+08:00

such a smiling sweet heart

i don't even know why i edited that picture like that 2 years ago.

hmmm there will be at some point where people are going to go their separate ways because of age, time and commitment. if ever that happens, i'll tell myself that that is the period where i loved the most. xoxo

[ quote from a blog after hopping - happy-fatty's ]

what if you fell in love but not with the type of person that you wanna be with. you try so hard not to fall but you fall anyway. and then you decide to forgo and overlook every single damn thing you are actually averse to about the person. only to realize that the other person is never gonna be willing to do that for you because you're never perfect enough. not even close. you know you're that unworthy why would you in the first place overlook the whole mess and stay in love with him/her. you'd wonder why love would make you such a silly person.

[ end of quote ]

i very lazy lah want to type out how i might feel until i found someone writing an entry complimenting to my feelings. how now brown cow? i haven't told anyone or maybe it's just another phase again. haha i don't know lah. it's just nice to have a company to talk to most of the nights or when you got noone to talk to or when you just want some company. noone in mind? great. just keep it that way :) cause you get too accustomed to it that you feel different when you are not talking. niceeeeeee no? but hey, things will go awfully wrong so NEXT!

went over to anil's place for hindi session and it was aweeesomeeeee. wished i had all the time in the world to watch and cry over silly relationships and deaths and all but all good things must end so we bid farewell. so sad lah all this hindi show. okay no talking about relationships. so mushy. cannot take it. so i'm going to be visiting boonlay the for the next 7 days which adds up to 9 days to boon lay for work and all. i think i might just shift to a house in boonlay. good night

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - never say goodbye

silenced

2009-04-15T00:14:00.003+08:00

i'm not saying that it was your fault.

don't talk then don't talk lah. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of doing the same crap. i'm tired of being here. i'm tired of listening to the same thing. sometimes, you say one thing but meant the other thing. i knew this long time ago. i know that i don't belong here. i don't want to feel the sense of belonging here. you don't love me mama. you don't love me as much as you love my brothers.

you don't love me because i never hang clothes. you don't love me because i don't pray 5 times a day. you don't love me because i don't sweep the house. you don't love me because when i console you, you never gave anything in return. you don't love me because i use my laptop almost everyday. you don't love me because i didn't make you proud and even if i did, you use that as a defence each time i make a mistake.

i felt that you don't love me because you didn't defend me when i got hurt emotionally 9 years ago and you didn't know how much i cried that night it happened.

please love me with all your heart even if i don't hang the clothes regularly. even when i reach home at 2201 hrs. even when i dont fold my comfortor. even when i meet someone. even when i cannot make you feel happy with me around. i'm just tired fighting for attention and i do it wrongly by talking back. i'm tired. and i'm sorry. i'm trying to change so please let me break my habits.

i know, she knows that i'm not fond of asking

ayam kon kon

2009-04-13T01:04:00.002+08:00

i am one of your darkest secret.

met wan and anil respectively on thursday to collect my cert and to just walk around. one after another. one the tension spider the other one is the nonsen bee. i don't know why but i just had to come up with something. i am damn cool i know.

i'm having a bad feeling that i'm not gonna feel good because i cannot breathe easy. sings, " i......... can't breathe easyyy... i can't sleep at night.. till you're by my side.... oh i..... " next. i'm not kidding at all really.

just now at work right, someone was trying on the bonding session with me. i don't know ah but i cannot seh. like not ngam ho. very weird like we broke up after being together for 10 years like that. lucky she girl, if not ah..

oh oh the 2nd picture above me like. pretty upclose and personal. but don't be deceived by the middle one.. she's like a kacang. hard on the outside, eh.. hard on the inside also. that was taken over at rini's place when we had our indian night out. me likey cause me like indians. hahahaha that bitch can't cook for nuts. that's for sure but no matter how bitchy she is, she still took the effort sending me home after dinner just now. by foot some more. v.. an... who? your friend's sister's brother's cou.... what ? MEGHNA!

wait tomorrow i continue.. i am seriously having a difficulty right now. i think sleeping it off will make it go away. let's hope tomorrow will be a good day just like today, and the day after yesteday no? good night

left the one I was looking to find..

as we go on

2009-04-09T01:34:00.004+08:00

when i love you a little less than before

mama came for my graduation today :) in the morning when she made me breakfast, she said congratulations to me and almost teared because obviously, her voice broke. but i know now that she's learn to be strong despite me being an asshole most of the time. i'm sad she had to come alone with noone sitting by her side ( i know dad would come if he's still around. okay shit i'm starting to tear ). everytime when she's alone doing something, she'll cry because she has never been lonely her life.

sometimes i wished dad was still around to take her sorrows away dealing with devils at home and the devils being me. i wished she still got someone to take her loneliness away. someone to sleep beside her so she won't feel alone. despite being the heartless one at home, i guess i'm the one with the most fragile heart when it comes to defying. i don't gain luxury when i upset her. i don't feel good and nice when i defy her. she has always been my pillar of strength when things go the wrong way. when i had a bad day at work, it's always nice to tell her everything because her points and feedback seems so genuine.

i wished i don't get agitated very easily at home. after all the mean things i did by coming home late and laze around in my room most of the time, she still went on to hug me and say she's proud of me for being at the graduation ceremony. i wished i'm nice to her and i wished i'm calm. i always get very angry when she wants me to get things done but i'm never angry when someone else wants me to do something. i wished i can do something to make her even proud that her only daughter is doing well in life. i wished i'm not a sad person and i wished to be a better person. i wished my skin will heal and i wished i had more confidence. i wished i had someone to talk to right now. good night

we'll remember all the times we had together

Lan J's own joo

2009-04-07T01:24:00.007+08:00

i was just reading nigel's blog and i laughed the moment he started on his first story regarding his encounter serving customers.

this lad came up to him and asked, " what time is the 10 oclock show? " - GO FIGURE PEOPLE. i know jannah took sooooo long to digest this story. she even mentioned something about monkey show. HELLO, monkeys?!

HAHAHAHAHA.

night safari just now with the usuals. i think people are starting to recognise our faces because we go there for the same reason. FOOD and PEOPLE! i mean, i've noone to look forward to at night safari but the rest of my colleagues have. but too bad some ended up disappointed. kwang3 (:

so graduation is tomorrow. OFMFOFHG. tmr! and i'm so psyched about it. just this afternoon, some lady called in to ask me if i was attending the grad ceremony. when i said yes, she went to ask me the way to pronounce my dad's name. i swear i was giggling because she said she wants to pronounce it correctly. hmmm mama's gonna come alone, so she might or might not be coming. if got boyfriend kan easy, at least if the brothers are schooling, got someone to accompany her. LOL it depends if she's still mad at me for coming home past 10pm. and she thinks i'm out with a guy just because i go out at 4. dots dots dots.

on a more serious note:

i think someone deserves a tight bitch slap the next time we meet. because i don't want situation to turn nasty nor ugly because the awkwardness will start to appear. let's just hope that she won't tell him what she was told because until then, i'm good. damn it. just when i was about to let things go, someone had to spoil the market for me. i am SO over it so girl, GET OVER IT ALREADY. i have never been bitchy when it comes to people but when it comes to you, i cannot help it. you have noone to blame but yourself sweetheart. i'm sure you regret meeting me but the feelings that i had was way before you told me. & that wasn't the reason why i acted the way i did but because i need to protect people of my own. Gosh, i hate it. and guess what shirt am i wearing to sleep? okay stop guessing, i'm wearing birdpark's old uniform, yes that orange batik. see, that's how much i'm dedicated to this part time job. good night

the one with crooked fingers.

mr wonderwall

2009-04-05T01:15:00.004+08:00

muhd called right after he received my sms and he said to me in a very serious tone on not going to oasis is like me rejecting him bringing me to a foreign country. he sounded very convincing and he wanted me to think it through. i shall post an entry and i'll text him in a bit.

i made mama angry most of the time by going to concerts without her permission and i went to ALOOOT of concerts last year and the only time she'll get to know is when abang reads my blog. i never felt guilty going because like she guessed, i've enjoyed myself no matter how teruk she's gonna scold me later on. but that's not the reason why i'm passing oasis.

i have missed singfest 08, coldplay, jason mraz, james morrisson, westlife, backstreetboys, britney spears. name the artists that i love, i have missed them all. so what's the harm of missing oasis right? i know i'm going to miss the time of people's life because Oasis is not just another band. they are almost legends. well.. not almost, but they are. but the more i spend on certain things, the more i feel guilty.

even though i got the tickets at a very good price, i think it'll be okay for me to give this concert a miss. i don't feel like going. i feel sad again and it's sad not being able to tell someone how sad you are. i know i'm not supposed to feel sad but in the dictionary, feeling sad is to be affected by some sort of sorrow. that's why i'm sad. i have been sad for almost 3 days and i'm afraid i might forget what it feels like to be really happy inside; genuinely happy.

alright i shall call muhd now and tell him that i've made up my mind. i'm sorry gallagher brothers and gang that i won't have the chance to tell the world that i caught Oasis live. it's okay, i didn't have the chance to tell the world that i caught many other good celebrities out there. i might as well find one celebrity to marry. good night

sorry i can't be there

let's go birdies, let's go.

2009-04-03T03:00:00.004+08:00

[ post deleted ]

it's always very fun to have people who supports you when you run, telling you that you are someone they treasure, always asking positivity to overcome the negativity and just everything. i don't know but i'm just being very random.

haha i think it's nice to have someone to start your day well, and ending it nice. i've always been wanting that phase, never got a chance. and i'm hoping, just hoping that one day, i'll be able to write down something that's of reality and let the whole world know that that is my life. i know that day will come. i just need to find myself to be at the right place and at the right time and with the right person.

after all this time..

and so it is.

2009-04-02T01:24:00.001+08:00

a silver it is. no, the emcee didn't say happy april fools day when he announced those results ( even though i wished he did heh heh ). i'm gonna make it short and sweet. i'm proud that my baby brothers made it through 4 years of band without much complains and now they've passed the band phase and me as a sister, i want them to do well in their studies. i know that they've tried very hard but i guess it's just not hard enough. well let's hope that some magical thing will happen 2 years down the road. it's never too late to bring back those glorious moments. come home soon, band, come home soon. we'll all be waiting. i mean, just listening to them play over the phone, and listening to the emcee announcing band number 54, just makes me missed those days where we stood soo quiet just listening to the result that we got. we know we deserved those medals. ahh, i'm still proud of you babies and i meant all of you.

i haven't been eating well for the past few days and my weight has decreased by 2 ++ kgs. HAHAHA 2 ++ ONLY. but of course the worst has yet to come. i have been losing my appetite recently and i'm not aneroxic. no i'm not heartbroken or anything, it's just that, i'm abit affected by some things. oh well, what do people know? they only know one thing. heh heh but that one thing is nothing anymore.

tomorrow........ ZOO! hahaha. finally i get to go out. and i'm finally buying my graduation robe tomorrow too. i'm graduating next week and i don't know if mama wants to come. she told me just now that she's gonna be alone.. i've always wanted my dad to come, but i guess nah. who am i right ? who ? bleargh..

i am boring person and therefore i write boring post. since muhd talked to me just now, i think i should start finding those tickets already. hopefully someone replies me with a positive answer. i am tired and i should be sleeping now.

edited - hehehe terence replied with a positive answer so the deal was set at 3 in the morning and yes, i guess i should be able to go with that LOW amount of price. if i decide to be a dick, i'd sell it at a price higher than that. but i won't because he seems like a nice guy.

don't make me change my mind..

a moment of truth.

2009-03-31T13:48:00.005+08:00

2003 & 2005

GOLD

2007 & 2009

??????

so many ups and downs when it comes to the batch after mine until one fine day, the seniors have decided that we can only leave it up to fate in terms of the results that they want to achieve. we tried our best and the wake up call to us was last year during the concert days. well more of a wake up call to me because even though i left them for almost 3 years, the feeling of being a secondary 2 was there. i cried so bad.

i missed you already.

and during the old times, the seniors practice what he always taught us. which was to work very hard even though we lack the talents and brains like the other schools he taught and true enough we were shining as bright as a star could shine. when i think about what we went through as a band 8 years ago, it was very different with what they are going through now. indeed they do practice but the amount of practice that they put in is only so much and the results that they get will tally to the amount of practice and hardwork they've put in so come tomorrow evening, we'll all know how much of an effort they've put in. is it 100% or will it be 110%? with that all the best babies :)

are we just another band, or are we THE band?

the slightest hope

2009-03-29T00:02:00.002+08:00

Save me from myself, you can.
And it's you and no one else.
If I could wish upon tomorrow,
Tonight would never end.
If you asked me, I would follow.
But for now, I just pretend.
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love,

You can.

lately, i've been dreaming of someone. haha i don't know why but the reoccurance of himself kept appearing when i sleep. not that it has meaning or anything but i'm just wondering how come of all people it's him. i'm not just saying because he's a guy, i'm just saying only lah. okay so random NEXT!

i just got back from work and work consists of the interns. they are fine people but it'd be sooo much better if the gang was working lah. rini was around and she's enough to kill my day. so fun lah she! TIN TIN NYO! there's a story behind it. because when i surrender the thing, we counted and we gather that at least 4 E71 phones that can be purchased with that amount of cash. hahahaha. lucky lucky bitch.

when they say welcome to the real world when it comes to working, i've always thought working at birdpark is nothing compared to being in the real world. maybe i'm saying it in a point of a part timer's view and sometimes being a part timer doesn't mean responsibility is not held by me. when it comes to problems and complains, fussy customers tend to get a little foul in their languages which you know, sometimes defeats the purpose of being friendly and natural. i'm glad that i haven't really looked for a full time job yet, but i will soon. i mean it's not that i haven't looked into it, i did, but i guess i'm not cut for that job. but working here makes me feel younger though i am young. heh heh.

oh oh oh :) hahahaha. nevermind. nothing important. i cannot wait for next thursday. i really can't because i know that's the day. urhm, had a little talk just now and that sure made my night. oh, say what?

broken strings..

the black grasshopper

2009-03-27T00:22:00.008+08:00

i cannot help but think about what someone might have mentioned when out of the blue, a grasshopper pops out of nowhere. there were countless of unfortunate events the other time it happened but i have decided to keep my mouth shut when the same one pop up twice.

that aside, i can't wait for tomorrow because i'll be getting my robe and getting my robe will only means that i'm finally getting out of sembawang. haha it's been 5 days since i'm home minus the sun plaza getaway but that also means that money was saved to the maximum.

i'll be supporting the colleagues playing later and i hope to find someone familiar there too. i was given a chance just now but i blew it and now i don't think i'll find it easy to sleep wondering what could have been said. it's always nice to feel that way for a minute but why did i miss it !??! what are the chances eh.. what are the chances tomorrow. it's been soooo long already and i am not waiting anymore. hahaha i don't know why lah. and this is the first time i wasn't thinking of that particular someone until i'm reminded. this is egggg-citing. prm thank you very much. & i wish you well.

i'm watching Coldplay Special on channel 5. chris and his band's playing yellow now and i'm just drowning myself with their music and feeling very miserable missing out because we were too slow into grabbing the leftovers. but oh well, on the brightside, i have 98 bucks extra! next is Oasis... i do know that my brother reads my blog and every detail that i mention here will be noted and he'll take note and yeah you get the gist.

meet me in the bathroom..

The notebook

2009-03-26T03:32:00.001+08:00

exerpts half taken from March 03, 2008.

" i think this is by far the most romantic love story ever.
got me to tears especially towards the ending.
i would watch it for another time.
and i'd still feel the same abt it. "

me watching it for another time which is a year later. i was just browsing through my ipod and found a couple of shows that i watched a year ago and i think i might just give it another shot to watch it. i'm just in the sappy kinda mode so i figured why not watch and recollect what the show's all about. i cannot imagine being in the theatres alone watching this show because i would probably need a crying shoulder. * stares at wan * but really. it takes alot of courage for me to just cry if i were to watch it the first time alone.

i had a quarrel with mama again just now. i think the only reason why God will put me in hell is the amount of sins i might have caused towards mama. i get very agitated when she tells me to do things with multiple warnings that is. i don't like it. i don't like it when she shouts or raises her voice. i don't like it when she starts nagging at me. i don't like it when she lets the whole world know that she's mad at me. i don't like it when she talks about things that i do not like to talk about.

if ever one day God were to ask me who he'd pick, i'd say pick me. because i know that i will not be a good sister to my brothers. i can't cook for nuts, i can't do the housework without being prompt to. and i definitely know that my brothers, mother, and friends can live without me. but i do want to be given a chance to prove them all wrong too. i know that i cannot live without my mother even though sometimes i wish she wouldn't nag so much.

i love you mama, will always do :) i'm sorry if i ever raise my voice at times and i promise i'll never do that ever again. there's noone in the world that can ever replace you and i'm glad that you are so much stronger than you were back when we lost our father. i love you mama.

love has no reason why..

three words, four you.

2009-03-25T14:15:00.007+08:00

xoxo - from the colourful nak mampos batik, to the smart giler shirt.

I'm just trying to think of something to talk about but nothing seems to pop up. Okay now it did occur to me that graduation day is in 2 weeks and by friday, I have to get the graduation gown. Haha i'm having this crazy idea not to attend the ceremony cause I think I'm not feeling the accomplishment having to graduate with a diploma. Two important people will not be there to wear the same gown as me and I feel very different that I get to graduate.

i'm going to talk about what i dreamt of last night or say this morning, or maybe not, this afternoon.

Wouldn't it be nice to still have father around. I dreamt of him this morning and my family was catching the '251' bus (?!) to punggol (?!) and we left him behind because the next bus will only come after so long. And when i looked at my father, he became an angmoh (like seriously).

Then we were at this place which definitely looked like FICO and HAHAH we were playing soccer. The girls, which include myself, nadiah, tharini, nami and anil ( no he's a guy ) as the keeper. It was funnehehehehh because we were supposed to be in one team but that's only tomorrow! Then we were supposed to queue up because some angmohs were playing some tricks on us. at the same time! i hitched a ride on azmi's bike while making out way to FICO. talking about being weird. God knows why i dreamt of azmi?!?! HAHAHAH.

right, then i woke up because fifa sent me a message. okay later, i'm gonna run my ass off to get somethings off my head ( cancel plan because it's raining like crazy). Nope, I am not affected by anything whatsoever. I think i'm going insanely crazy.

just dance, gonna be okay..

fidelity

2009-03-24T20:59:00.005+08:00

i hope he'll seriously kick his balls on friday. i'll just go HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

so Coldplay was yesterday and i missed it. i refused to ask Irfan how was it even though he came online and asked me about a thing or two. i purposely didn't wanna be soooo kepo so as to ask him how Coldplay was cause i can just view it on youtube. HAHAH. ego macam godzilla.

it's nice not to miss anyone. i missed getting my heart broken. so i can just isolate for some reasons and go for a run. i've been happy. happy = eat = fatter than i already am. can someone please break my heart? i'll owe you one.

ah i just remembered the other day anil took me on his buggy ride and i remembered feeling very scared cause we might get caught for slacking but we're not because we were doing our job. if i can remember correctly, he went something like wanting me to take it easy and that life's all about breaking the rules sometimes. i'm not gonna get caught and just experience the cheap thrills in life even if it means getting myself into trouble.

that's it. i've made up my mind. that sometimes, it doesn't pay to be good. at the end of the day, something's gonna eat you up from behind and every good thing that you do goes down the drain. me? i guess it's been flushed down. mission number one will kick off tomorrow.

and it breaks my heart ..

too little too much

2009-03-22T13:00:00.003+08:00

i have lost all my interests being there as of yesterday. so i guess this IS goodbye. i am sad.

Professionalism

2009-03-20T18:33:00.001+08:00

[ post deleted ]

i guess it was a moment of anger when i typed all of those because noone really knew what happened but me. i will be professional in this even if it takes for me to... but i will still hate that tongue twisting bastard. from the start of my OJA right up till now despite the fact that he bought me a drink and many breakfasts for the team and for that, i say thank you for wasting your money on me.

this is life.. being professional.

happy goober

2009-03-18T21:56:00.002+08:00

even though the interview was a screw up, going on facebook wasn't.

learning tutorials on how to make a nice bun this afternoon, i equipped myself with a nice Cotton On shirt, white pants with black pumps, i put on the slightest make up with the scent of orange, i walked down The Arcade for THE day. i waited for almost an hour before my turn was up. expectations of the interviewer was that he's a very chatty and nice person but when it comes to serious business, i was thrown with so much negative points. but i took it very lightly because it's facts that he's telling so of course i left on a good note. getting it or not will only be determined tomorrow so we'll see.

What we lack in talent, we make up for it with hardwork.

i will always remember that phrase for as long as i live because that's what keeps me going when i know that there's certain point in life where talent isn't really in your blood. and i do know that i'm not capable of doing anything unless i'm given the opportunity to and for that, i'm definitely willing to give it a shot and give my all.

ps: by the time i reached the place, my make up all gone, my hair very messy, my smell also no more.

i'm happy i get to talk to SOMEBODY on facebook. hahahaha means nothing but means the world to me. for now that is.. yes no, maybe, i don't know. can you repeat the question? haha i wonder if ever there's someone who tells another person how happy he is when he talks to me online or wherever. i wonder.. i wonder.. and i'll keep wondering who..

i guess i know what you mean..

the past

2009-03-16T00:25:00.003+08:00

it's haunting me. it's not just that i don't like you, i hate you.

but i go nowhere

2009-03-15T21:50:00.002+08:00

You didn't even wish me on my birthday and the best part was, you threw cold shoulders when all i did was nothing. Don't ever blame me for forgetting your birthday because even if i remembered it, my heart feels heavy just to say the two words. Best of luck in your future endeavours.

you'll never walk alone..

Jai Ho.

2009-03-13T03:00:00.001+08:00

you guys knew about the thing i have been keeping to myself, but you guys kept your cool. and i'm glad that you guys made the effort to make me smile with your silly antics. i haven't laughed so hard and smiled silly like that for a long time. i had so much fun and i wanted this to last longer but, it's good enough, definitely. it's always nice to have some fun and forgetting about the things that's been bothering you lately. haha the song will remain for now because it's so cute the way some of us sang it when we were about to leave pastamania. the 3rd trip to the zoo never bores me but i would really love to see the lions the next time i visit the zoo again.

there's no use looking back or wondering..

i was disgusted with myself

2009-03-10T22:57:00.005+08:00

" you look good. seriously. "

my self-esteem degrades a level after the grooming workshop. well i can safely say that 99% of the people felt good about themselves but i felt 99% worst than before. it feels good to see my colleagues having fun and i know that i made a wrong mistake but telling J that i hate this fucking course. and it always feels good to see people having normal skins on their face and mine? mine's just bad.. i don't know what went wrong this time but ever since i stopped taking anti biotics a few months ago, i felt good for a while and now? it's back to square one. it only makes me feel bad about myself when i greet guests or when i'm out with pretty friends like who i'm always out with and the list goes on and on. i really don't feel like meeting people or make contact with humans when it comes to this situation. the hair.. hair? i shan't talk about it. sigh but i'm glad that i have friends who care. who encouraged but it's just not enough sometimes.. it's just within me. jerrica's motive was probably to boost up some of my leftover esteems but it didn't make me feel much better. if you'd meet me, will you accept me for the way i am? or would you just shun me away the very minute you see me? i feel sad. this is worst than a break up. this is worst than feeling rejected ): i'm beginning to feel depressed like how i used to feel last year, all over again ... to think i still remembered back in secondary two, i asked a sec four girl what was it like to have pimples all over our faces... there you go raidah, a taste of your own med .. good night

please take it back ..

and yes, i do regret

2009-03-08T00:29:00.004+08:00

this ain't love.

when i fall, you pick me up

2009-03-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

don't you wanna feel my skin, on your skin? it's only natural.

the week just got tiring, back to back visiting exciting places in town. well not so much of an excitement in the places but the people i was with made it all worthwhile. it's my 2nd trip to the zoo this year, and i reckon to visit it again tomorrow. well it depends cause i'm feeling a little weird now.

met up with fifa, christina and karinda on monday for some catching up, and i think we'd be meeting up again soon for another reunion but this time round, with more people from the class. hopefully it's executable. been 3-4 years since i last saw so many people.

my february's checklist is almost completed given that the trip to East Coast, Airport, Zoo, were all checked and I think that's one of the most important or say, wanted things that i've been wanting to do for a while. IMM before that to get ezwan's shoe and before that i went for another shot towards my future. rini and anil joined later and off we went to continue our mission. had a really butt cracking time cause me and anil were blading while the other two cycled. after falling and cutting my poor middle finger, rini and i decide to switch roles but we ended up crashing and this abang body came to save us. well the boys? they both were having their boy time on their own and forgot totally about us :)

NEWS FLASH!!

SOMEONE SAID THE MAGIC WORD FOR THE FIRST TIME .. " DATE ME OUT " .. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

(*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#@#$%^&**^@#$%^&*()^$#@#$^

okay, but you know getting too excited will only dampen the mood down. okay it always happens to me because it's always like that. but we made plans liao and i'm not sure if we're asking some people along cause if not it wouldn't be a "date" will it? a date..... HAHAHAHAHAHAH just a little funny in my dictionary.

cause when i'm with him, i am thinking of you

good morning sunshine.

2009-03-02T10:54:00.003+08:00

i cried myself to sleep, and i woke up crying. but i think it's because of the sad dream that i had.

i don't know..

2009-03-02T04:15:00.006+08:00

In my life
There's just an empty space.
All my dreams are lost,
I'm wasting away.
Forgive me, girl.

CLICK TO ENLARGE UH.

i've been crying here and there now at this hour because i felt touched and sad and glad at the same time. hehehe i didn't know my friends were very thoughtful and caring behind my back trying not to hurt my feelings. for all the good reasons of course. but just to let you know, that it's alright to spit out facts too! i am totally fine if i'm not in, like really! * hugs the three of you *.

:)

it's 4 am and i can't wait to meet my secondary school friends later. pastamaniaaaa. oh no at this rate, i'll become fatter than i already am. but who cares, the guys were saying they live to eat. and i eat to live, and i'm much more tougher than them though they are all way taller and bigger than me. LOL ANYTHING K.

my niece got married yesterday and it makes me feel like getting married also. i told people that i want to get married when i turn 24 but by the looks of it, i'll still be single for the rest of my twenties phase. NOOO! i must get a job, THEN get married. but wait, must find boyfriend already! 4 years siol! not long! hahaha!

ahhh i think i am getting meaningless. me knowing secrets, me trying to make sure everyone gets the equal treatment. me trying not to spill the wrong things. me trying to pretend but now karma's being a bitch to me because at the end of the day, my efforts were in vain and i'm the loser at the end as always but i guess it's fair, to me, to her, to him, to everyone. okay i'll sit in the corner of the toilet and cry myself to sleep now
* stares at ezwan's emo signature move * hahaha! ahhhh

closer to me..

overrated

2009-02-27T01:03:00.002+08:00

i missed you so.

he's just not that into you

2009-02-25T19:39:00.001+08:00

heheh after receiving the results that i couldn't get into MOE's thingy, yes people, i didn't get it, i felt sooo down i decided to watch a shitty show with Tharini later on in the afternoon. " He's just not that into you. " yeah a loser show for a loser like me. ): * sigh * yeah stop asking what i wanna do anymore. i'll update you otherwise.

NOT!

he's just not that into you talks about how girls might be head over heel towards that certain someone and guys, being guys, are totally not responding to the signs girls are showing. well i was talking about how the show doesn't relate to me because i've not erm "dated" or someone's liked me or anything. it's just silly to me but it's all good. only that it has affected Tharini tremendously. hahaha!

okay right now, i'll try my very best to find something to do. I just hope to be able to be given a spot by March. i'll try again, and i'll keep trying. in the mean time, let's just relax a little more and hopefully get started with something hopefully, finding someone toooo :) just any one. oh to kick things off, i gotta CLEAN MY ROOM and maintain it! gosh i'm boredddd....

one in a million, once in a lifetime..

crumbling down

2009-02-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

Down are the times that I felt like shit
I felt so lost
That my mind couldn't find it's way
I know that I'm okay

I turned around and locked the door
What should I expect, well I don't know
Will I screw up? Will I do fine?
It's only a matter of my

Time is all I had to lose and all the changes
Have become the truth
With all these new surroundings before me
My walls come crumbling

Down are the times when I felt like shit
I felt so lost
That my mind couldn't find it's way
I know that I'm okay

Phrases were my jealous words
Counting pigeons off my neighbor's roof
Holding all my insecurities, fixing up my crazy thoughts
Coping with the loss of innocence
My walls come crumbling

Down are the times when I felt like shit
I felt so lost
That my mind couldn't find it's way
I know that I'm okay

I turned around and locked the door
What should I expect, well I don't know
Will I screw up? Will I do fine?
It's only a matter of my time

gone were the days where life goes easy on me..

guess i thought wrong

2009-02-23T02:05:00.001+08:00

work on saturday was so much fun. well except the part where someone was being an egoistic bastard in the morning despite the fact that he bought me my favourite chocolate before. i literally ignored him even if it meant communicating over the walkie. but at the end of the day, he came up to me and apologised for whatever reasons and thank me for cooperating. of course me being the overall egoistic bitch merely shook my head like an Indian and just said it's okay without even looking at him though i knew he was smiling and he regretted and he missed me( CONFIRM ONE ) and he knew he was wrong throughout. not when he hurt my ego the first thing in the morning! heh heh but i acknowledged him by nodding without even looking at him cause i was counting 2K worth of money and i'll text him later on so i'm not so bad after all okay.

and i smiled for hours... k i'm gonna take out my wallet now.

was supposed to work again just now but i decided not to after waking up with a splitting watermelon headache. text hafeez and cik aziz and so i stayed home and slept my whole morning and afternoon. and believe me if i said i'm becoming lazier and fatter than i already am by the minute. sigh who's gonna ever like me like this eh?

sidenote.

i wished we could all squeeze in together like we all did before, like we were doing when i dream. it felt so good, so sooo good because i kinda missed it. not by a little, but massively. i missed the laughters, the smiles, the smells, and most importantly, the presence. that's all i can hope for. hello excuse me, we doesn't mean just 2 people okay.

k overall results coming out at 10am later on. i'll be up by 9 to watch the counting down of the oscars and checking out Dev Patel secretly and then go out on my own to find something to do. probably to the library or something.

i wished it was simple..

Calling to arms

2009-02-20T01:49:00.004+08:00

I'd like to say, that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears.
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side.
To feel your heart, beat in and out of time

recently, i've been having trouble sleeping because i was afraid who i might dream of next. i couldn't sleep the whole night, and i was asked to work the next morning which was totally fine and i had so much fun after being away from work. you know sometimes, i wished someone was still around to just lighten up the atmosphere. but i placed that thought at the back of my mind and go along with the flow.

i managed to bake cookies from the heart and gave away to my work friends since i was working the next day and i sorta really love the taste and they said it tasted good too. was made by me song ern ifah(? cause half the time she just watched) with the help of our chef, faiz. was real fun and yeah.

met up on feb 14 after work and had some sing-a-long session. definitely burnt some holes in the pocket. for tomorrow too. damn. so much for staying home for 3 days and the amount spent = everyday going.

watched Slumdogs with the bird friends and i must tell you it's a must watch. really had great time watching and having some crazy fun time in KFC for more than an hour just taking silly photos just for viewing.

here's two of the biggest crush i'm having. Look, i'm a girl, i have feelings too? HEHEHE.

Dev Patel

Anoop Desai

two crazy heart throbs with talent of their own. totally head over heels if i'd meet someone like them. but oh wells, one can always dream about something one can never have, can they? nah, i'd just want to meet someone like an average joe.

you know sometimes, i feel like i want something. and i know, most of the time, i'm losing all the courage in the world to make the effort to want what i want. but this time, it'll be different. i'll just wait, and see what comes after that. we'll see where it'll go. how long it'll take me. but i'll get there eventually.

I'm seriously hoping that MOE would call me with good news or i'd be really devastated. i really want this, because i'm seeing the need to study. I want to study and i want my future paved. it's hard to determine when all i can say that the interview went okay 2 weeeks ago. people coming to tell me that i'll get it. but it's just so hard to tell myself that i'd get it because i never know what the interviewees have in mind. thanks for all the well wishes and let's just wait for a couple more hours or maybe a day or two before the final verdict is out. i'm feeling really helpless but at the same time, i'm praying for the best.

too seven oh lima, or so you'd think.

One Year On..

2009-02-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

[uLTraGerL] Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection. says:
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

today, last year.

One year on, i find myself sitting on my laptop with no heart breaks to haunt me. it has passed me by so quickly that one year since the last, i'm only smiling and relieving the moment when it happened. one year later, he's happy with his girlfriend, and me.. i'm just happy with the way things are now. I'm glad that I've went through it and I've definitely learn alot from it. Patience, no matter how long it takes, that day will definitely come when i'm confident to say that I won't get affected by anything he says or do. and i'm glad that 3 years on, we're still good friends :)

NEXT!

me baked cookies with Song ern ( who just claimed that i'm the best girl friend he's ever met HAHAHAH! ) ifah, and faiz. had a really good time and Faiz pampered us with FOOOOD! thanks people :)

tomorrow's gonna be a long day, and i can't wait to go to work. haha! even though if it's just for half a day, it's the experience i long to have that counts. I'll keep some cookies for people and have fun with the other friends after work. i shall sleep now cause it's 2 am and i've to get up at 530am.

i'm still the happy girl i am, always will be.

i refuse to

2009-02-13T00:00:00.001+08:00

i don't like the state of mind that i'm in right now.
it's almost the same feeling that i have years ago.
it's coming back to haunt me again.

what feeling you may ask? feelings of uncertainty, anger, stress.

i need to release it.
i used to use the sharp blades to ease my pain but i stopped doing that. that's out of the question.
i care too much about the people around me.

there's nothing against anyone.
it's just me. the things that i get.
i'm stressed up over nothing.
i need to let it go right now because it's hurting me so bad.

i need to go.

Fix You

2009-02-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

and i will try.

DHL

2009-02-12T04:27:00.000+08:00

17th February.

it's in 5 days. i missed you dad, i missed you. even though you've only left us for almost 3 years, i cannot seem to remember your age. i'm sorry but i tried, just that the numbers don't seem to come together.
i missed being the only daughter.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

sleepless nights.

i want it that way.

2009-02-11T07:48:00.004+08:00

I wished I could just make you turn around, turn around see me cry.
There's so much i need to say to you, so many reasons why.
You're the only one, who'd really knew me at all.

I guess i felt better after all the thinkings about my future last night.
very hard, but let's just pray that in two weeks, my future will be moulded.
i'm still looking, but i feel no urgency to panic.. yet.
there are certain things that i have to look at.
i am very keen to start anew, but i'm still patient too.

me pray for one thing, for me mother to listening me talk.

take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space.
there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.
.
.
.
you coming back to me is against the odds and that's a chance i've got to take.

goodnight for now.
i'm gonna wake up in an hour.
no wait, writing this entry adds up to an hour.
it's time for me to get up.
even my friends are up, working right now.

i would kill myself if i'd gain another kilo.

the interview

2009-02-09T21:57:00.002+08:00

I don't feel like elaborating about it.
it was fine, i was alright.
i was complimented towards the end in fact.

but after everything was over, i asked myself.

can i really do this?
am i up for it?
do i have that confidence to overcome all these challenges?
what do i really want to be?

i simply cannot find the answer.
even my principal was willing to give me a good opportunity.
but what if i'd disappoint her and go the other path?
now i feel like crying.

Life's not easy. it never was.

identification card

2009-02-08T17:04:00.002+08:00

FOUND!

location? my o levels pencil case! the one that got me a C5 for my english! I KNOW! God gave me a signal. i thought hard, and i thought real hard. then O levels came into the picture and i had to find the pencil case that i used and it was in the living room. hah so much for the i might have thrown it away. heh heh!

i was so happy that when i got up, i fell down again because my legs got cramped or something like that. i fell with a loud thud, it's like as though i wasn't gonna be able to get up.

i was THAT happy. that THAT happy.
oh wells, thanks to the people who encouraged me to find my IC :)
appreciate it truck loads.

now i'm doing research and making an overview of what to expect tomorrow.
i'll hope for the best, i'll wish and i'll pray for the best too.
we'll see what's to happen tomorrow because it will mark my future and a new journey will embark if whether i get it or not. gotta go find something to wear already!

i might want someone to share my happiness with me.

the night ride

2009-02-08T01:06:00.001+08:00

it was my first time to everything.
staying out till 6am, going as a team to Jalan Kayu, to Upper Pierce Reservoir, and back to Mandai. me and tharini gave up halfway so we took the rescue vehicle towards the end of the journey. LOSERS with a big fat L on our foreheads. heh.

but whatever, i had a nice time with them people. what are the odds of my brother and mother allowing me to attend this event? being away the whole night only coming back in the morning. i will remember that night for the rest of my life.

my interview's tomorrow and i'm pretty screwed up. I seriously cannot find my IC and that's one of the most crucial thing for the interview. now i don't know what to expect and now i need to get prepared for it.

I finally watched a movie in the cinema and it marks one year. i broke that record and i'll see how long more i'll able to hold it. i think the older i get, the more things i experience.

thank you :) for giving me the opportunity. i have one more thing to accomplish. and i don't know if i'd gather enough courage to do that or not. itimstmys.

you should know that you're my favourite worst nightmare.

and i will not let go till you tell me to

2009-02-06T13:01:00.004+08:00

i can't wait for later. this will be my first night out with my friends. got the green light from the elder brother so i'm off from now till the next morning. it's gonna be a long night and i reckon some mysterious give aways in between. CHOY.
35 km is not a short distance, but with the people i enjoy being around with, I think it's gonna be a breeze ( mcm faham ). it's gonna be my virgin trip to the cinema too! wooohoooooooo. one year seh i never buy tickets to watch a movie. heh heh. i pray for my safety and for the rest of my crews too.

updates more tomorrow. chey, kakak-kakak already right? HAHAHAHAH. * dance around to trance *

most importantly is it's someone else.

I hate this part right here.

2009-02-05T10:42:00.003+08:00

If you think people of a younger age is being immature and childish, think again. There are people even older and even wiser than everyone else, but still acting like a fucking child. I don't understand some people, that's what I'm trying to say. I can still remember the words that she used, " stop being childish and grow up "

You know, i wished i had the powers to control human minds. Like say, if you fell in love with someone, and the minute you know that he's not the one, I can just do my magic and make the person fall out of love with him or her.

ah that's not the point. The freaking point is that, i'm angry. Marah. Tammahde. Period. I want to shower and I want to lepak. So just shut up, and let me go. hey!

ps: i think i'm seriously falling for Anoop Desai. HEH HEH and my birdies are gonna find me an indian man to date me whenever. hahahahahha! i'm not kidding about that at all man, seriously.

please let this thing go.

i'm not alone in this.

2009-02-04T00:01:00.003+08:00

Why do I always feel like i'm always in this each and every single time of my life? I don't want to be in this shit anymore. I want it all straight. I'm feeling very helpless and down but I know it'll be better tomorrow. I do not like to play the guessing game because it gets the paranoia out of me. I feel so sad and lonely for the first time in my life tonight.

Pictures and some memories will have to help me through.

changes.

2009-02-03T13:23:00.009+08:00

i reckon a long entry since January 20.

First of all, I missed this bunch, and that's for sure.

I can't recall when's the last I've met them but i know I haven't met the whole lot for the whole month of January. What about December? and November perhaps? No doubt I've been busy with work each time they plan a gathering, but I'll always have them in mind every single day.

Next,

it's been a pleasure being in RP for 3 whole years. Met people of different kinds and I have definitely made more than 300 hundred friends. Who am I to kid? 25 different people in 6 semesters. With different cliques and all, it definitely adds up to more than 300 people of whom I say hi, and bye when we pass.

On my last day of school, I received 2 important news. One is a call from the MOE regarding my interview on February 9th (wish me luck) and the other is my FYP result. which was, alhamdulillah, God's Grace.

The girls that's been with me through my ups and downs in RP right from the very beginning of school till the ending of the school term. Thank you jannah and Zubaidah, it's been much appreciated. thanks for working with me at Sentosa too. Even if it's just for 2 days with me, I hope it's an experience you girls will never forget.

Another bunch of ladies whose been there for my daily meals everyday since we got closer in Year 2 semester 2? never fail to make me laugh and cry at the same time with all their hurtful sarcasm which was hilarious at the same time. Reunion dinner will still be on, whether you like it or not. heh heh. i'm an asshole, but i'll never forget the give and take that i went through with you girls (: thank you nisa, shaidatul, nurainy.

Lastly, for the past 7 months working in Birdpark, it adds to my favourite fun people to be with thus far. People whom I call the Lan Jiao crews. I will definitely miss this bunch of people because i've learnt so much from them. I'll miss driving the panorail, giving wrong directions to tourists so on and so forth.

thanks for fuliflling my wish to go to the zoo too. Thanks for the treat in the indian restaurant vijay and the 6 of you gangs. Now i can't wait for the night outing this friday with the same bunch :)

i'm done with this entry so wish me luck upon the upcoming interview this monday.I know that it's not easy to build a certain friendship but it's very easy to break it. I've met so many wonderful people in my life and i'm never gonna erase memories so easily. whether we drift apart or not, i'll definitely remember the people as much as I can because I know eventually, we are all going to go our separate ways.

i want you, and only you.

No Longer a teen.

2009-01-20T08:38:00.004+08:00

i felt the coldness. that's one thing i'll never ever forget. but like what they say, it's just another birthday, nothing special.

i'll start with yesterday and i'll slowly track back the days of celebration. i slept before i turn 20 and i woke up going to school alone ( that's totally normal ). i teared in the morning because my mother didn't speak to me at all. neither did she make breakfast nor she wished me. so okay, fine. i walked to school feeling really sad. MY OWN MOTHER. but that's ok, what's new from her anyway?

i was alone for the first meeting break out, but that's okay too.

come 2nd breakout, i met up with idah and jannah for lunch and that felt great. I wasn't so alone anymore. got back to class, Choonni and Mitchell surprised me with a cake WHICH I CHOSE RIGHT CHOON? hahaha that part was hilarious cause they sang for me too! thanks alot dearies (: and after which Sharon Tan bought me another cake for the 3rd meetings.

halfway walking down, asri surprised me with an icecream with brownie and his own rendition of a present. haha thanks alot asri, well my wish came true but with the help of idah, i KNEW IT! lol (:

so i went back home at 4 with idah, and rest. My brother bought Mac for all of us too. and that's about 19 January 2009.

------------------------------------------

18 January 2009 was spent at work. long and tiring day but almost towards the end of the day, my colleagues started wishing me through the walkie and i felt very embarrassed. after work, I headed down to Riana's place to visit her as well as have dinner. So me, Dana, NurB, Nurul, Nuraini and of course the host, Riana was there having dinner and such. I heard some gossipings and whispering but i thought less of it. haha! then they all left me alone so i knew something was wrong but no hopes, no hopes. then a birthday cake! haha super shocked ( not super cause they suck at secrets haha! ) and a birthday card. was great spending the eve with them because i seriously had a lot of fun.

------------------------------------------

17 January 2009 was spent at work for the first half of the day. and the other half was spent at Shalene's 21st party. Got a present from her. haha thanks alot dearie. it was fun catching up with my band mates cause i really had lotsa fun. FOOOOD was the main obstacle. SO MUCH TO EAT! May you have a blessed year ahead girl.

------------------------------------------

15 January 2009 was spent in school then after school, i headed down to birdpark for my final captain ball's game. i had my first fall because DIAN had to kick my leg. i knew i couldn't scratch my leg because it's gonnaaa bee painful so my body works as fast as my brains. i fell slightly hard on my hands instead. but towards the end of the game, the people surprised me with a cake! ahhhhh so sweet can. super advanced celebration. those present were ifah, ezwan, huiting, hafeez, dian, azhar, penguin, nicholas, magdelene, liah, dana, nami, azmi. haha that was really special.

------------------------------------------

i'm just typing this down, to remember. Not to boast, just for memories sake.
Thanks for the facebook wishes in order of sequence of time.

Vijay
Acet Abby
Carol Tay
Si Hui
Dana
Ridzwan
Tharini
Kak Zana
Shahril
Yousof
Betrand
Victor
Lisa
Fifa
Husniyah
Shafiqah
Shafiq
Hidayah
Jorrie
Fatin
Yi Da
Nor
Lee anna
Firdaus
Nashriqin
Suhailah
Khoi
Annash
Fadlin
Evelyn
Nadiah
HuiTing
Mas
Ferza
Anil
Danial
Cikgu Sunita
Melisa
Salmiah
Francine
Kak Malissa
Kyla

Ok that was about facebook. LOL 42 wishes!

-----------------------------------

Moving on to smses in order of sequence :

Nigel
Kak Ernie
Nadia
Dana
Irfan
Wendy
Ifah
Tharini
Shahirah Band
Shahril
Fifa
Sha
Jannah
Zhao Yi
Dana
Dian
Sai
Christina
Cik Tahir
Pan
Jacob
Lin
Geena
Shalene
Devi
Ling Wei
Valerie
Xue Li
Natalie
Chanel
Nurul
Ezwan
Dina
Aiman
OG
Agus
Syaza
Faiz
Cik Ah
Reno

LOL 39 wishes.

-----------------------------

MSN( actually i can't remember much but i'll try) :

Nurainy
Prabhu
Kak Enin
Jannah
Idah
Asri
Zainuriah
Maizura
Zhao Yi
Anil
Shahirah
Hafeez
Regina

-----------------------------------

Friendster wishes ( LOL FUCK FRIENDSTER ):

Komi
Choonni
Sandra

----------------------------------

Blogs :

Aiman ( that was really sweet of you aiman! )
Fifa

Thank you for the cakes, thank you for the wishes, thank you for your presence and presents.

i know for sure, the real ones will stay (: if i'm not the real one, then i'll leave. Though i was disappointed in some ways or another, i believe there's always next year. if i'm not around next year, well i've cherished every single moment that i have with the people around me.

i missed someone.

turning 20..

2009-01-18T22:41:00.002+08:00

I'm turning 20 in about an hours time, but i am feeling very sad right now. updates, perhaps tomorrow. till then...

fix me.

two sevon oh five.

2009-01-11T22:02:00.001+08:00

I wish you health but more than wealth, I wish you love.
My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be.
So with my best, my very best,
I set you free.

work just now was bloody chicken unlucky la! but it was funny to a certain extent how J kinda re-enact the situation whereby a passenger's neck got caught when the door was closing. of course her head wasn't caught cause the door was sensitive. okay, it's not funny cause it's a matter of life and death situation over here and i may get complained or even get fired but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH her reactions were over the T O P lah. sorry indian tourist. i told you to remain seated what but you just had to stick out your head. tsk raidah, tsk. 2nd thing, the bloody chime button had to be stuck when i was clearing the bloody birds so from Hawk walk all the way back to the main station, the chime was on! freaking embarrassing and the same group of indian tourist were like, " relax girl! relax, it's okay! " and of course, the famous shut down. bloody hell, scare me like crazy. what a day!

i have officially broken my record. i skipped school three times this week. and i'm sure to receive the golden letter from RP. no i don't feel proud but i have a feeling that the reason why i feel tired this whole week was the accumulative tiredness that i collected over the three weeks of vacation. which was definitely filled with work and FYP. now that everything's over, i just felt lethargically down. and no, i'm not proud at all.

i went to collect the dslr on wednesday after visiting riana in the hospital. sigh, seeing her in that condition only breaks me further, but i've never stopped hoping that she'll go through this obstacle and lead her life like she's never done before. hats off for that girl.

well anyway, i received a call 2 days later from Sony, telling me that the Nets payment wasn't through. meaning, i walked out the damn place for free! of course he was being all nicey asking me to come down to make the payment and i reluctantly said okay.

next time, when i ask for the damn receipt middle-aged man, please do not be sarcastic so as to show me the hugeass invoice. i damn know that, that huge piece of paper is an invoice, a form of receipt but i want a bloody Nets receipt. now who's facing the shortage huh? lucky i'm nice okay.

had another game of balls in the park with the birdies. this time round there were a couple of new faces. had a really good time playing with them. the only not so good thing is when i caught the ball using my hands but it landed more on my jaw. after 3 days of playing, only now i feel the pain on the right hand side of the jaw. last time, when i yawn, i can swallow the train. now when i yawn, ping pong ball also cannot go in. sigh i can't wait for this thursday's farewell match!

i have been late for work for the 5th time in a row. what a disappointment. i've never been like this since forever, and now i'm showing signs of misconduct. i know that i'm left with 4 working days including today, but that doesn't mean that i should take everything for granted. and i heard the new AOM is damn cool.............. NEXT.

FYP is finally over. OMG OMG OMG! o v e r.
cheetot, my group got gunned down because in our powerpoint, i mentioned we have learnt team work and team management. the invigilator thought it was rubbish because we should have known this in semester one. wah kanina. i am so sad because of that but whatever, it's DONE. and a special shout out to Anil and CC for being my saviour at the 11th hour. means a truckloadsa love to me. thank you. and thank you to my team mates, de aun and shino :)

i'm turning 20 in exactly 8 more days. i'm getting my English results in exactly 24 hours time. and i think i'm missing someone like crazy. but all's been good. it's gonna be another 7 days times 2 to the power of infinity days but i'm gonna do well. it's just a phase, it's got to pass, thank you, The Strokes.

hearing from you would be the best damn thing in my life.

How many special people change?

2009-01-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

Monday - 05.01.09

i'm finally done submitting my FYP this afternoon. it was a living nightmare last night when some parts of the codes went berserk on me. at the 11th hour. i told myself that time will be on my side, but as the minute passed, there is not much time left. i sacrificed the night, and woke up really early this morning to work things out. met my team mate, and i'm glad, everything is over..... well the submitting part is. i have to really thank anil for introducing me to his friend when we're at work yesterday. really anil, no words can express my gratitude towards you. but after wednesday, i will then rejoice. mark me.

so i had work yesterday but i took a halfday off because i see myself doing the project but i stayed back at work to complete it instead. apart from waiting for ifah, there is a hidden motive in my staying. but it's not so cunning because all i ever wanted was a piece of mind :)

i'm glad that i planned my schedule that way.
i'm glad that we made something for the manager.
i'm glad that i passed by the office.
i'm glad that i had brains to think.
i'm glad that i brought my stuffs.
i'm glad that i have great colleagues.
i'm glad that i get to spend my time well.
i'm glad that i'm glad for every glad things i can feel.

i was happy. i am still happy :)
and i will always think of happy thoughts.
i'll never get back a day like yesterday but i'm absolutely fine with that.
things i'll miss, will definitely remain etched in my heart.
further details, will not be told here.

the first league is almost over, now's the final league. wednesday, 11am. either we make it as a team, or we break it there and then. i really don't know what to expect, but i'm glad that we went through it as a team. come wednesday, i'll pop the champange bottle and drink the night away.

i am happy. i will always remain happy. are you happy too?

Happy New Year.

2009-01-01T01:11:00.004+08:00

2008 has been a ride for me but there has been the ups and the downs. but who cares? the days are long gone, and i believe that there's always a new beginning. there are many of whom i was once close with, now separated due to our busy lives that sometimes, even me myself tend to forget who has been there, and who hasn't been there for me. people whom i'll treasure, despite my forgetfulness. thank you, for being part of my 2008. thank you, my sembawang friends, thank you, my republic friends, and thank you, my birdpark friends.

come 2009, no wait, it's already here.

here's my wish for you all. no matter what happens, be the person you really are and if the downfall hits you to the pits, never ever give up. always smile because you know how it makes people's day. be with someone you love cause if not, just dump them. HAHA. of course i was just kidding. but, whatever. i'll pray to God, and ask Him for help. Help; fulfilling my wish. and my wish? i just want a boyfriend. HAHA.

i spent my new year with Anil, Hafeez and Ifah over at the comfort of my own home. how did you spend yours? because i sure had some fun. and i hope that we will keep this strong no matter how an asshole i can become.

i had one wish, but that wish wasn't granted. but i was glad that he was part of my 2008,2007,2006. no matter what happens, i'll always see him as my biggest source of inspiration. i thank you, for being there for me. and i got to thank RP too.

i have another wish to execute, but that will have to pass. we'll see how long this will go on. it's not ordinary, but there isn't anything i can do about it. my wish this year, will be the biggest wish, anyone can ever imagine. i think it's official.

lastly, i want my father to remember me, to be proud of me in whatever i do, and to watch over me wherever i go. i want my mother to be proud of me in the achievements i never made. i want her to love me, noone ever would. i want her to be there for me till the end of time because i don't know what to do without her. and i want my brothers to be man of their words, and be the man that they ought to be. and for myself? i'll keep it low.

xoxo.

it's not the part that keeps me strong.

2008-12-28T09:01:00.002+08:00

it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me.

you know sometimes, when things hit you where it's fragile, you kinda tend to want it to not even happen. no, wait a second, i am not feeling all emotional right now because i've been cool and it's happened for so long already. move on already! haha. well i slept my night away, and i had a good night sleep.

i keep losing track of my working days but i tell you, when i was working, the crowd was crazy! crazy beyond words kinda crazy! i woke up after having a dream that the park WAS packed like sardines. only difference was, there is a panorail and stations but the place isn't bird park. and the only people that never fails to give us problems will be my FAVOURITE bunch of groups. be it tour group or independant traveller, it all comes to the same color. WHY!? i don't know.

but.. there are also the nicer SAME BUNCH of species who appreciates my help. ones who'd hold my hand and say that i've been a good help. ones who'd tell me from behind when i'm driving saying that they are lucky to have me "serving" them because i'm really helpful. ones who'd look at my name and say that it's a really nice name * this part i must cough * and ones who'd thank me like i found their gold when they open their mouth( false teeth la LOL ).

but there are also ones who'd think i'm indian(?!), chinese(?!?!), myanmar, thai, indonesian. why not ang moh you say? well, i don't know why either. if i want to say i half angmoh to them, later they say my nose not sharp enough. if i want to say i half african, later they say my eyebrow too thick. indian pon indian lah. chinese pon chinese lah. myanmar pon mya.... okay you get the flow so you do the filling. and you know the reason why? they said i'm tanned(dark in their eyes) so the difference in race. and when i told them i'm a malay, ALL of them( each sold seperately) asked if i'm a MALAYSIAN(?!?!).

BUT THE FUCKED UP ONES AH. TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK LIKE THEY'RE RIGHT. NABEI.

i gotta go get ready my stuffs for later. got party at ~~zouk~~ ZOO. and work. it's a miss that i cannot attend my friend's pot luck gathering. le sigh. i missed hanging out with these bunch and PLEASE hang out one more time before the start of new year? pretty please? i'll update more later tonight when i get back! ta-ra!
i do miss you, friend.

neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away